Bucket List

A lot of people say "Oh I'd like to do that someday" or "Before I die, I'm definitely doing this." The sad thing is, along the way, we all tend to forget those little things we wanted to do. Sure, we might remember the big things--who's going to forget that at one point they wanted to see the Taj Mahal?!? But sometimes, it's those little things we wanted to do that never get done. And the shame in that is, sometimes it's the little things we can most easily do and which would bring the most joy to our life, even if comparatively speaking.

What are some of the things on your bucket list? Can you even remember anymore? I don't ever want to forget the things that made my heart skip a beat in excitement or fear or anticipation. So here I am, posting some of my bucket list. Maybe I'll be able to keep adding to it and checking things off as I "grow up."

• Ride an elephant in India. One of those elephants draped in rich, luscious fabrics and seed pearls and all those things you see in the Bollywood movies.
• Go on a cruise. Not exactly sure how I feel about this one, so I'd settle for just a little 3-dayer. That'd be good enough.
• Do at least a week long back country tour of Ireland, Scotland, England. Like a week each.
• Go to Cuba.
• Do a "history tour" of marathon and other Greek places from Greek myths.
• Visit: Rockford, Racine, Kenosha, and South Bend. These are all the places the first Women's Pro-Baseball teams played.
• See a Notre Dame football game at home.
• See a Steelers game at home.
• Swim with dolphins.
• Do a Jane Austen "history tour."
• Publish a photograph or sell a calendar of my photos.
• Go to Egypt.
• Visit my family in Italy.
• Meet Ginnifer Goodwin 
• Meet Colin Firth
• See a Kenny Chesney concert.
• Ride a train cross country.
• Write and publish a story or poem.

So these are the things I can think of off the top of my head. As you can see, they range from really simple to really exotic. Some things I can knock off soon and some will require a lot of planning. And of course, there's a LOT of traveling! Any ideas on things you think I should add?

Self-worth

"Lately it seems I've been going on a lot of First Dates." 

This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies: The American President, particularly because, right now, it's so true for me. I feel like I'm going on a lot of "initial" dates and a lot of actual, physical dates. Hey hey now, mind out of the gutter. What I mean is I am actually showing up, meeting these people, taking the time to get to know them and participate in a face-to-face conversations. I'm making a physical presence--though sometimes, especially on these truly terrible dates, I may not be making much of a mental presence! lol

The "initial dates" aren't technically dates. I just mean I'm putting myself out there more on the online dating site. For those of you not privileged enough to know how this online thing works, here's the gist: Everyday they send you like 7 or 8 matches. If you're like me and have your emails alerted through your phone, you'll agree it's not *that* weird for me to know that these matches come through around 6:30 every morning.So then you get up, take a look at their profile, see their basic info (height, age, occupation, general likes, etc) and decide if you are at all interested. If not, you can archive the match to review later or archive and then immediately close it. If you are interested, even just a wee bit, then you send them 5 multiple choice questions. IF they think you're interesting too, they'll answer and send YOU 5 questions. Next you'll send them a list of 10 things you *MUST HAVE" and 10 things you "Can't Stand." They send you their list and 3 open ended questions. You answer those and send yours. Then it's email time. Again, this is only if you continue to think they are worth talking to. At any point you can "Close" the match. Got it so far? Okay good.

There's really one point which made me want to write this blog. It was because someone sent me their "Must Haves/Can't Stands." Included in this list was a "Must Have" of "Attractive by today's standards." Whenever I see this I automatically want to Archive and immediately close this match. I mean, seriously? This is a Catch 22 if I ever saw one! Think about it. If someone says they are looking for a person attractive by today's standards, what's that even mean? Does it mean they want someone exotic looking like Selma Hayek? Do they want the girl next door like Anne Hathaway? Do they want a "blond bimbo" like Pam Anderson? Do they want a stick figure like Charlize Theron? What does it mean?!?!? And apparently they are really focused on looks, so that's not someone I could really build a relationship with anyways. So yeah, I usually just close that match.

The other catch is you can't really say you want someone attractive by *your* standards because that's sort of a (excuse my language here) "No Shit Sherlock" moment. We all want someone we find attractive. Not to sound superficial, but if I don't find you physically attractive, the relationship will not go anywhere. But the type of person I find attractive is sooo not what most people find attractive, it's not like I'm demanding the most good looking guys only to "apply." No, not at all. Example: I know a lot of people who consider bodybuilders or guys who are real "muscle-y" to be attractive. I do not. In fact, the second I see someone who clearly makes it another job to work out, I tend to make a "face," on accident of course. I'm sure most of these guys are great guys. I know they can be because I've worked with a lot of guys like that; I'm just not physically attracted to them. Unless they are Vin Diesel. Yeah, he's my exception to the rule, if you will. LOL

I just mean, I have to have a physical reaction to you in a good way.

Then tonight I really got to thinking about it. There's another level on which this "today's standards" thing gets me. I almost missed it at first, but it really hit me tonight. The second I see something like that, I get defensive and/or down on myself. I have this sort of internal monologue where I definitively say: "Well, I don't really think I'm what today's standards would consider attractive, I'm just me. So this clearly won't work." And I close the match. It's that sort of thinking though that isn't healthy. Think about it. I just mentioned four different types of attractive women. I happen to think Selma Hayek would wipe her boots with Pam Anderson. If asked who my "girl crush" is between Anne and Charlize, best believe I'd pick Anne. So there's no clear cut "Hot of Today" by which I can judge myself as meeting their criteria or falling short. Basically I think of myself in the following way: 

• I don't think I'm fat. Honest. True, like any girl, I have days where I don't feel cute or I feel "big," but in a general sense--looking at myself objectively--I don't think I'm fat. That being said, no one would ever call me "skinny" either. I mean--and I'm about to be REAL honest here--at a size 9/10 you cannot in good conscience say you are skinny. No matter your height. A 9/10 can be considered a healthy size yeah. Totally. But not skinny.
• My hair is starting to be nice again!! I really like my color and highlights--or maybe it's just I don't want to completely fry my hair, so I'm going to make myself love the color! lol Either way, it's working for me now. And the cut...I am turning into one of those "I will only see so-and-such." My hairdresser is AMAZING!! She cuts my hair exactly how I want AND need it. I can finally wear it curly or straight again. It's been awhile since my hair allowed me to style it both ways! (Maybe only the girls will truly understand the importance in this! lol)
• I'm accepting of the fact I have to wear my glasses now. Since I have worn contacts so long (and been breaking the rules on how long you should wear one set for almost as long!), I have developed an astigmatism and weakened my eyes. The docs say the best way to help my eyes is to take the contacts out and wear my glasses. Having fought this for almost 18 years, I am finally understanding of my vision-situation and willing to wear the glasses. Good thing I get to pick out some cute ones now!
• I get told all the time I look YOUNG. Like "Still in high school" young. At least once a week someone mistakes me for a junior in high school. Yeah, that takes a good DECADE off. Everyone says I'll appreciate this when I'm older; maybe I will. But right now, I am young. I want to be taken seriously and few people take 16 year old girls seriously. Am I right?
• I actually hate my braces. I know, I work in a dental field. I'm supposed to love and appreciate them. The fact is: When you are already short, "not skinny," have glasses, and look 16...the last thing your ego needs is another knock with braces!! It's a total vanity/pride thing, but I'm being real honest right now. I keep hoping my ortho doc will decide they are good to go and take them off any day now. So far,  no such luck. lol

I TRULY hate this particular "Must Have." Can we please remove it from the options? Thanks! :) That being said, I am probably going to just go ahead and continue "communicating" with guys who have it listed. I can't continue to judge them harshly for putting that; just like I can't continue to judge myself harshly as falling short. 

"By Today's Standards"--kiss my Aztec! :-P

Dating isn't for the light-hearted

I'm trying not to let this blog turn into a "Dis on Dating" even if it does seem like it might be that way. So last night I had another date. And no, it wasn't with "Oscar" as I'm going to call him now (as in Oscar the grouch). No this guy seemed really great. We'll call him "Harvey." (Harvey Dent, Harvey Two-Faced...)

So I get into the city and meet him at the restaurant. The conversation was a LOT better than the night before! We eased from one conversation to another. If I tried to explain it, you'd say to me: "Rosie, this sounds just like your date 'Oscar'." And yes, from the outside and just giving the basics, it would seem like the same. So why was this dinner conversation with 'Harvey' better? I guess it was just his personality. He didn't make it seem like an interrogation. Then the check came. He not only wouldn't let me pay, he wouldn't even let me see the check. Such a nice change! We walked to his car where he drove us to the theatre. Again, he wouldn't let me pay. All this sounds great, right? Yeah well this is when it goes downhill.

So the movie is about to start and he pulls the ole "yawn, stretch, put his arm around." That's not so bad except he practically forced me to sit in his lap!!! OH EM GEE!!! Yeah and then he starts like rubbing up and down on my arms--for a good 30 minutes!! Every time I tried to "stretch" (a.k.a. pull away) he would pull me back and ask if I was scared. We were watching Immortals so--no. No, I wasn't scared. I was finally able to pull away and sit in my own seat, but the rest of the movie I was like a board. I didn't move a muscle for the next HOUR! Man, I was starting to think this guy had potential. But this... It's one thing to try and hold my hand on the first date. That's an acceptable attempt at contact. I would have still NOT, but at least that's an understandable and even respectable attempt. To make someone YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW utterly and completely uncomfortable... 

So now, back to square one. I have 28 days left with this online dating thing. If you were to ask me right now if I would sign on for another 3 months, I'd give you an emphatic NO. I know people look at me and think "You're still so young. You don't need to fret over finding someone right now." But the fact is I honestly feel like I have achieved most every professional goal I've set for myself. I never had any TRUE career ambitions. I studied things that interested me because they interested me. If the cards would have fallen in a way that I could have continued on in my field AND had a family, I might have stayed in it. But the fact is my personal goals have ALWAYS outranked my professional ones. Since I was four years old I have known I wanted to be a mother. Every "career" decision I made was with that in mind. Being a mom is 100, a 1000 times more important to me than being a successful business woman. I guess that's why most new-age feminists I meet hate me! lol

Please send me prayers, condolences, laughter (at my predicament)... lol I'm definitely going to need them these next 4 weeks!

First Date Disaster

UGH!! I had the *WORST* first date ever last night. Yes, it was so bad I had to immediately get on here and blog about it. I hope this post does 2 things. 1) It helps me just vent it out and move on. I thinking if I keep dwelling on it inside, then I will stay dwelling on it--vicious cycle. Maybe, once it's out there (or maybe more like once it's on here) I will be done with it and move on. 2? Well maybe those of you who read this-guy and girl-will take something away. Learn from my mistakes--and my date's!

Okay, so I went all out for this date. Highlights, mani, cute outfit. Yeah. Seriously, I know!! Ugh, wasted. Good thing I needed all these anyways, otherwise I might not be as gracious about that. Not even ONE COMPLIMENT!! Seriously guys...throw a girl a "Nice shirt" something. Let her know that you think she's at least passable if not "drop at her feet" attractive. I'm sure every girl spends time getting ready. Let her know you appreciate the effort. Ugh.

Oh, and when you are having a conversation with someone, don't make them utterly uncomfortable. Don't stare them down like Gibbs in the interrogation room. It's not fun to try and have a conversation when they stare at you, never once blinking, even as he takes a drink of his water. I understand that first, second, even third dates are when you are trying to get to know the other person. But really, it's like facing the Spanish Inquisition!! 

When the check comes is probably not the best time to say: "I only have a debit card." I never thought I was one of those "Guys pay on the first date." Turns out: I am. I mean, yeah, I understand it's the 21st Century, but I'm willing to bet you didn't just drop $$ on getting ready. From the looks of the clothes he donned, he's owned those things since his college days, maybe even his high school days!! So yeah, I'm more "Southern" or "old-fashioned" than I thought. Guys: pick up the tab on a dinner and a movie. Don't make it awkward. Because if you are willing to shell out the $50, we're more willing to go on a 2nd date. It shows you aren't a tight-fisted jackwad. Just sayin'.

Oh and doors. Yes, you opened up the restaurant door. Good job. That car door is still a door you should open for her. Again, with the appreciation. 

Finally: Don't go telling me ANYONE in your family is a pacifist. Being as my mom, my dad, my Uncle Bill, Uncle Tom, Uncle Punkin, AND Uncle Sam ALL SERVED....that shite just won't fly.  Maybe I need a military man myself. Someone who will understand my background and I can appreciate their present and future.

I'm from the south. I might live in the north, but I will ALWAYS be a Southern girl. I want the ultimate southern gent. I want a strong man with gentle hands. I want a man who will shoulder my burdens and will trust me to shoulder theirs. I want a guy who will protect me but not smother me. I'm really beginning to think those guys exist only in the movies or the south. Neither of which are available to me right now.

I'ma Little Nervous

So I know I've put on here a couple of times that I am doing the online dating thing. I had my first date in over 5 years! (Yeah, I feel slightly pathetic having that out there but here's to being completely honest.) Let's just say that one did not go over so well. Eh honestly, after he arrived 25 minutes late, I was a little over it; so I might not have been "on" as they say. Either way, that match is closed and I'm on to the next. Or the next two. I actually have two dates this weekend. And needless to say, I am incredibly nervous!

So the first date is tomorrow. We're going to eat dinner or "chat" at Longhorn and then go see Hugo in 3D. Yeah I picked the movie. But I really wanted to see it so I figured "What the hey." Back up a little bit. I was matched with a 30 year old English teacher. I talked to this guy online for about two weeks. We sent lengthy emails answering each others questions (favorite food? Least favorite movie? How do you spend your free time?) going back and forth. He seemed like a nice and interesting guy. So, after 2 weeks, I was okay with giving him my cell. I figured: We emailed for 2 weeks; we'll text for 2 weeks or so...Nope he went and called the next day. And I must say, it was really awkward. :-/ Not sure if it was just that I was in a hurry trying to get to my friend's house (we were going to trivia & I was running behind and caught in traffic); or if he just wasn't as interesting as I'd initially thought. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Then there's the 27 year old finance guy. We only sent like 3 messages and they were more straight to the point. When he asked if I wanted to meet up/exchange #s, I was a little more hesitant. But then he texted me and it wasn't near as awkward as I had thought it might be. He asked if I wanted to do a movie or dinner and drinks. In the end we decided to do Chicago Q (which my boss has been RAVING about for weeks now. I can't wait to try it) and then we are going to see Immortals. I have been DYING to see this movie since September/October. Whenever it was they first put out previews for it! lol Finance Guy isn't as--I don't want to say pushy, but you get the general idea--as Teacher Guy. 

Now here's the thing. I have soo much to do tomorrow: haircut/highlights, mani/pedi, mystic tan, get at least one new outfit....Shew. I wonder if I can get everything done! I am glad that there's so much to do, because maybe it will keep me from being nervous all day before I meet up with Teacher Guy. If I have too much time to myself, I might psych myself out on this one.

What are the "rules" of dating casually? Who picks up the check? What do you wear? Do you hug at the end or shake hands? Ugh...dating was so much simpler when I *WASN'T* dating! lol Wish me luck.

Dear Jane

Dear Ms. Austen,

It has been a pleasure knowing you. For it is through knowing you that I have found myself. Your presence in my life has been something of a mythical gift, one in which I will forever feel inadequate of receiving while still grateful.

When you write, I feel as though you have taken me and my personal experiences, and placed them in your current situation. How you were able to see through the dung that is your current residence in life--that of a "lowly" female, forced into subservience by man--and create your own environment I will never know. The power of your words to transcend time and rank, bringing men to their knees at the feet of their loves and strength to women who otherwise see themselves as helpless... That is a blessing and a responsibility. One you have shouldered simply and effectively.

You are probably best known for Pride and Prejudice. I have to admit, that was my first introduction to you. It was because of an AP Lit class my senior year of high school that I will forever know and respect you. The BBC version of Pride & Prejudice was undoubtedly my favorite movie of all times for many years. I didn't read the book for another few years, but when I did, I found the truth and integrity had been translated well to the "big screen." While perusing the aisles--searching for fulfillment over mindless gaggles--I discovered what would be my doppelganger: your story Persuasions. This book and movie emulate almost exactly my life to this point. After reading the book and seeing the movie, I feel a kinship with them stronger than most physical relationships I have had throughout my life.

I am Anne Elliott. I am the person "everyone speaks well of, but no one remembers to talk to" (a quote from Sense & Sensibility that fits suitably). I am meticulous of my actions as they relate to those I care about, those with whom I surround myself. I make conscientious efforts to ensure those around me know what they mean to me. I also always want to be sure of the comfort of those I care about. 

I am in love with Wentworth. He is the man by which I judge all others. He is proud, strong, determined, athletic, solid...these are both assets and obstacles, depending on the situation. I want so much to love someone so completely, as Anne and Frederick do towards each other, while still being strong and true to myself. I want no one to hurt me, but am willing to open my heart to those deserving. I am cautious and candid, much like Wentworth.

The words I write, I write to free my soul from the entrapment, the prison I create when I withhold the truth even from myself. I have no preconception that my words will influence others, just as I am sure you did not as you crafted the stories in your head to the paper. You wrote to disentangle the fiction from the fantasy--the fiction being the works of literary art, and the fantasy being the lie of a life you were living; as though anyone of your caliber and talent should be confined to dependence on the kindness of male relatives. Your superiority in all things literary is juxtaposed against the harsh reality that you may never be fully and deservedly appreciated. No one, though, can take away the lives we live within in confines of our own imagination. I think you for showing me that nothing--not time, not culture, not the whims and expectations of others--can or should deter me from the creative life I wish to live.

My goal is to be a wife and mother. Being as you were neither, nor showed much inclination towards either, it may seem odd to say you are the example by which I strive to live my life. You are my role model, my "life muse," my divergent path. You are the light by which I guide my actions. You have influenced me and I am eternally grateful.

Thankful

I know we are closing in on the end of November and every one has been doing those Daily Devotional things where every day they write what they are thankful for. I know it may seem a little late to be starting this, but I purposefully avoided writing one of these for that very reason: EVERY ONE was doing one EVERY DAY! And then, if they happened to miss one, they would feel guilty and end up writing a "I'm Thankful For..." for all the days they had missed. Clogging up my facebook with all the same thing. So here I am, at the end of the month, writing one really long set of things I am thankful for.

**My pup, Jax. He is by far the best friend I have. He lets me know every day that there is enough love in this world to share with everyone at any time. There's no reason to shy away from showing someone you care about them. Love wholly and completely and deliberately.

**My sisters. I know I don't always get along with them. Sometimes I think I have nothing in common with them. But I don't have to. I am their big sister. My job will always be to protect them, even if it's from themselves. I am willing to be the bad guy so they can stay safe. Even when they say things I don't want to hear or don't need to hear, when they do things I don't like; my job is to be there for them and I am thankful I am still able to have that job.

**My parents and other family members. I consider them separate from my sisters because my role as a sister is different than any other role I have with any other family member. Either way, I am thankful for my family. They are crazy and wild and opinionated. They never do things that make much sense to others, but they are LOYAL! My mom's side is very extreme. They love to the extreme, they hate to the extreme. They don't care about how much money you bring to the table, but they do care about how much love you bring to it. If you aren't willing to be there for them, they can and will wash their hands of you. My dad's side is more conservative. They are strong-willed. They remind me of those 1950s shows in how they approach things. I am thankful to have both examples by which to lead my life.

**My job. I am thankful to have one when so many today do not. I hear it all the time: Why don't you get a job with your degree? The thing is, I am doing something now that I am good at. I didn't know I was good at this type of work and I would not have known I was good at something other than the things I had been told I was good at. It can be difficult to work in an mostly female environment with all the typical "girl issues." But the fact is, I have a job. I am able to pay my bills every month without too much stress.

**My ability to read. Aside from the fact there are people who can't read, I am thankful I am able to enjoy great works of literary art. Reading is how I spend my free time. It allows me to escape from the sad times or the bad times. I can go back to eras and stories anytime I want.

**My car. It offers me a limited independence as well as an ability to get to and from work.

**My past. I will NOT say there are things I don't regret, because there are. I totally have events and decisions I wish I could change. I would. But, since I can't, I am thankful for all the opportunities I have been given. For the people in my life whom I have allowed to shape my life. For the times I have spent laughing and crying because those are moments I can never get back. I will stand proud and true to the person I was, even if I am no longer that person.

**My future. It is undecided. I am the only person who can dictate what happens, where I go, what I will do. Only me. I am thankful that I have the ability to have a future.

**My health. I generally do not get sick. I think it's, in part, because I do not take meds. I don't allow myself to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I know a lot of people who go looking for reasons to be sick. They want those pills which they think will make their lives better. I want a life made better by living and by acting.

**Inner strength. It wavers: Ebbs and flows like the ocean. But it's there when I need it. There are things I won't bow down to, no matter what. There are things I won't do without, even when I have almost nothing. I have been single for longer than I would like. I could easily have made due with just anyone. I could have accepted the love they gave, but it wouldn't have been enough because it wouldn't have been everything. And I deserve that. I deserve someone who thinks I am worth everything. And, when it comes down to it, I know my inner strength is the reason I haven't accepted Mr. Right-Now and waited for Mr. Right.

**God. I have a relationship with Him that is filling. I feel no need to go out and promote this relationship. I stand by Him and He by me. I try to live a life He can be proud of since it is Him who gave it to me. "God gave us beaches, because He liked the way the sand felt running through our fingers." What I mean is, He *wants* us to go out and live our lives because then He gets to experience it too. Even though I am thankful for God and all He's given me, I do not stand behind a denomination anymore. I see no reason to prescribe to one way of thinking. I am thankful for ALL religions which honor life and kindness. I look for the good in all religions and aspire to emulate them to my fullest. Not *THE* fullest, but *MY* fullest. I don't think any one group has it right. I think there are things to be taken from each; when we are able to find the common thread, we find God. In every name, in every form, He is there.

**Simple joys. Without them, it's not worth the struggle of working every day, of fighting with those you love. You can pay your bills and never get anything in return. Or you can find the simple things every day which make you even a little bit more happy than when you encountered them. I am thankful for those silver linings.

**True friends. They may be last on my list here, but they all know they are important. I have always tried my best to be the type of friend to others I would wish or expect them to be towards me. I know it may not be fair, but I want friends in my life who respect me and strive to be the best friend to me they can. Friends and family are the first to hurt you because you have let them in the closest. It's not always their fault when they have hurt you, but the fact that you let them in is something to be thankful for. I am now working on allowing only those worthy of my friendship to be close. It's not me being conceited when I say this. I just mean that I don't want any more people coming in and using or abusing me because I have called them my friend. I value them and want the same in return. I am thankful I have found and continue to find people worth spending my time.

Okay. There is my List of Thanks. See, now was there really any reason to post something every day for 30 days??? Nope!! I got everything down in one sitting. :)

Short and Simple

Tonight I was reading a friend's blog and realized that she writes in it almost every day...and I don't. When I started this blog, I don't think I had any pre-conceived notions that I would become a "habitual" writer or that I would suddenly want to write every thought I have down on the internet. No, I think I knew I would only write down the thoughts I couldn't stop thinking or just *REALLY NEEDED* to get off my chest. I went back through and read all my previous blogs. They immediately brought me back to the night I wrote them or the event I was talking about. It was nice to go to those places again with the benefit of "20/20 hindsight." I also realized just how much my life and I have changed.

I am still on the dating site. I actually went on a real date for the first time in YEARS right before Halloween. It was awkward, of course. I mean, one of the reasons I had asked my sisters and friends to introduce me to people is so I would be able to talk to them about the person and get honest opinions. Online you have to rely on what you read. Plus, I mean, first dates in general are usually a little uncomfortable when you don't really know the person. Let's be honest. lol That date doesn't seem to be going any further which is a bit of a shame, but I'm not going to give up or get down on myself. I knew I wasn't going to meet "Mr. Right" in the first week on the site. I do wish things were going a little better though.

Have you ever looked at your friends and been like: HOW did we end up here? I have a friend--the same friend I dog-sat for--and I just can't believe the turns our relationship have taken. More so lately than before. She likes to say she's not a "clubber" or a "partier" but she is always wanting to go out somewhere. I really can't afford to be her friend anymore--in a financial sense particularly! She makes more money than I do and the places she suggests are "NICE" places; places I cannot afford and feel weird being at in general. She doesn't seem to understand this though and it's making it difficult to stay friends with her. Our personalities are so different. That used to make it fun to hang out but now it just makes it irritating.

What do you do when you are working towards becoming someone you can be proud of and there are people you no longer see as beneficial to your growth? I have the hardest time breaking away from people and breaking out of relationships. It took me almost 4 years to sever all ties with someone I knew-almost from the beginning-was not a good person for my self-esteem. I kept letting them be a part of my life. Intellectually I knew the phrase: "Here for a reason, a season, a lifetime;" emotionally though I can't seem to part ways with people. I always feel guilty because I remember the things they did for me when I wasn't strong enough, or reflect on the fun times I had with them and think: There can be more fun times if I just let there be more. It's not always that simple though.

Any advice on this last one?

Being Good

I like to think I am a good person. I try really hard to be good, try to treat everyone with respect. I try to see both sides to every story and see why someone might think the way they do without judging them. I am friends with almost every ex I have had; of course, there are those who I have lost contact with over the years, but there are really only 2 with whom I won't talk. With all that in mind, this weekend I realized just how "not good" of a person I can be.

This weekend, I helped a friend move out of the home she shared with her boyfriend of many years. The whole time I was helping her, I would just look at her in awe. Here she was packing her things up, separating them from his...and putting his stuff back neatly!! There was the occasional tearing of a photo of the two of them, but she didn't throw anything. She didn't tear up his things even though she easily could have. She didn't hide his things. She didn't try to take things which could be "either his or hers." She was so mature about this.

At one point I just stood there feeling guilty. I watched her pack up her financial stuff in one box, put his stuff in another box, and put the box in the closet on top of the other things of his. I looked at the other person helping us and said: "You know, if that were me, I would be throwing his papers all over the room after what he did."

That's when I realized how much I really do have to work on myself everyday. It's a constant thing. And that's completely okay. I've been lucky my relationships ended civilly, for the most part. How would I react if things ended badly? I don't really know, but now I do know I can be honest with myself on this.

Lesson: It's not being a hypocrite until you know about it and STILL do nothing!

Making Decisions

It's been a while since my last post. It's not that there's been a lot of amazing things going on or distressing things...There's just been a lot of things. I've started selling make up to kind of help subsidize my income. That's taking up a lot of my time because there's a meeting every Tuesday. So I have to go to work all day, rush home and get dressed up in business attire, and go to this meeting for almost 2 hours. Nowadays though, I'm not learning anything new because the other girls in my group are bringing guests EVERY WEEK to be models and they don't speak English so the whole two hours is spent listening to a language I can't speak and not learning. It's pointless now. I tried bringing it up to my Director but she blew it off. Made me realize where I stand. So I'm going to finish up my commitment with them in 2 weeks (I've promised to take Holiday pictures of the models for a fee); then I won't be returning to the meetings. Decision Made.

Then there's the fact that I am still single. Ever since I graduated (way back in 2009), I've been saying how I want to settle down. Find a good person and start a life with them. I've tried asking my friends to set me up but that never seems to work out. Either my friends find guys who are in relationships and they didn't know it, or they find guys who have nothing to offer someone else and no ambition to be or do more in life, or the guys end up bailing on the group events at the last second--in which case, they aren't somebody I could trust anyways. So that hasn't worked out. Then there would be the times I would go to clubs and what not with my girls and think: "Maybe I'll find someone here." But honestly, I'm not a party-girl or a clubber. So every guy I met at those places is not someone I had anything in common with. I don't really drink and at clubs you tend to meet drunken, slovenly jerks. Not all the time, obviously. But if you aren't someone who even remotely enjoys "the scene," then you won't meet someone worth spending your time with in those situations. So I recently went and joined an online dating site. I even went ahead and paid for three months. Ironically enough, my membership will end on January 1, 2012...how's that for ringing in the new year, resolutions, and what not? Pretty cool I thought. So I am actively participating in this. I am putting the same effort and time into searching on this site as I would into dating someone. Because, let's face it, if you aren't willing to put the time into finding someone worthy, you won't put enough time into keeping the relationship going--in a healthy manner. So: Decision Made!

Then there's this whole book club thing. For almost a year now I was part of a "book & wine club." The problem is: I was almost always the only person who read the book and wanted to talk about it!! Every other person would show up on occasion, and drink the wine, and normally say they hadn't gotten around to reading the book yet. It would be one thing if we were doing the book club a lot, but we don't! That's the other thing. We initially talked about doing a book every 6 weeks. That turned into 8, turned into 3 months...etc. We've met or tried to meet 4 times already for the same book: The Help, and we started that book WAY BEFORE we even knew it was going to be a movie! That's how long this has taken. Then we set up to meet on Nov 5th to talk about that book and another book and set up the book to talk about after that...and now THAT's fallen through! It's almost not worth the headache or rearranging my schedule and making sure I read the book (or freshen up on it) so I can talk about it. So...I've decided to start a BOOK SWAP!! It's kinda like a Book Club meets the "Purse Swap" that's really popular right now. Basically, I'll get some friends together one evening a month. We'll bring a list of books we've read recently and enjoyed and think others will enjoy as well. We talk about them and if anyone is interested, you can "swap book" until the next event. Like a library, but you get honest opinions right there too. Plus, I have this problem with buying books because people recommend them and I can't always get them at the library. This should really cut back on the $$ I spend in the book sections at my favorite stores! (Always a plus.) One of the great things about this is you don't have to commit to showing up every time, you don't have to have read "the book" or worry about what others will think of your opinion on it; you just bring your list, let people choose one or two if they want, set up a time to get them the books and when to return them--you can even do this at the events! I'm going to run it by some girls I work with and see if they'd even be interested. But, really: DECISION MADE!


I am really working on completing things on my To Do Lists, making time for everything I want to do while still taking care of myself. I am making decisions that I honestly believe will make my life better, fuller, happier. Regardless of the opinion of others. Finally! :)

Define Failure

Nowadays there's all this talk about succeeding or failing. What makes someone a success? What constitutes failure? So many people associate those words with their professional life. People say they are a success when they get promoted, a failure if they get passed over or don't get the job. And yes, I am including stay-at-home parents in this talk; being a stay at home parent is a full-time job--with no overtime pay! Parents consider themselves a success if their kids do well; failures when their kids make mistakes. Few people examine how they are a personal failure or success.

Something happened to me recently which made me feel like a complete failure. Something someone looking from the outside in wouldn't consider as a defining moment of failure/success.

My friend passed away.

Here's the story. My friend had been sick for many years. She was diagnosed with Adult On-Set Leukemia over 2 years ago. She battled everyday for 30+ months. She fought the enemy--her own body. And I knew about it almost from the beginning. But I never made it back home to see her. When I found out she went to hospice, I made the decision to go see her. I worked out my work schedule so I could take Friday off. I had to drop some things off at my aunt's house (6 hours from where I live now and 3 hours from my hometown/where my friend lives); so I left bright and early, drove to my aunt's and stayed there over night.

I woke up at 8am and happened to check Facebook. That's when I found out my friend was already gone to Heaven. I missed her by 4 hours. That's something I have to live with everyday.

I have to live with the fact that, if I would have just drove straight through and seen her Friday, I would have seen her before she was gone forever. But I didn't. I made a left turn and I can never turn around and change it.

The thing of it is, I think I *KNEW* I wasn't going to make it to her. There was this part of me, a part I was working SO HARD to stamp down, that knew I was never going to see my friend again. I remember sitting there with my aunt and cousin, the night before I was supposed to drive there, and we were talking about my uncle who had passed away 4+ years ago. The thing of it is: I missed saying goodbye to him by about 12 hours. I remember hearing my uncle didn't have much longer so I rearranged my leaving my internship a day early. I called my dad and asked him to help me, asked him to take the big things from where I was living to his house; I would take all my clothes so I could drive the 7 hours straight to see my uncle. And he did. We stopped to have lunch since I would be driving without a break. At lunch my mom called and asked to speak with my dad. That's never a good sign. That's when I found out my uncle had passed that morning. Adding in my driving time and I was 12 hours late.

That's what makes me feel like a failure. It's the trying and not making it. It's the waiting until it's too late. I pride myself on being someone I would want to be around. I honestly make an effort everyday to make the people I love feel special and know I love them. I make conscious efforts to have birthday presents arrive on their birthday . I call those I love. I even send hand-written letters just because. To know I failed someone at the crucial moment, I failed to be there for them and I failed to be there for me. I can never get that decision back. I can never undo what was done. I can never do what *WASN'T* done.

I made a left turn and I feel lost...and I'm not sure when I'll feel like I've found my way again.

Irritating

There are certain things which I find HIGHLY irritating. At the top of that list is "Pushy People."

Recently I started selling "product" from a major company. One of those "Be your own boss," "Become a consultant" things. When I came into this, I told my "Director" that I didn't want to push others into selling this. I'm not one to force others to buy or sell things. I mean, I hate it when people push their products on me so I go into my businesses with the mindset of: If they want to buy from me, I'll be available to them but I WILL NOT force people to buy.

That being said: I am incredibly frustrated with my new director!! She's the type of person who will force others to buy. She's pushy, and I am not. In order to become an official Consultant I "have" to place a $600 qualifying order. Amazingly enough, when I first signed up, she was telling me that I had to place this order within 2 weeks. I told her I didn't have that kind of money...that's one of the reasons I got into selling this stuff: To make some extra spending money. Well, she just kept pushing this. Kept saying I had to place this order. Blah blah blah.

So I figured out I could take orders an collect the $$ I needed. From the way they made it out, I needed to place a qualifying order of $600. I took that to mean, since I get a discount on the product, I would need less than the $600 they were saying. Nope. I actually need MORE than that because, not only do I have to put in $600 on my end, I have to pay taxes on the RETAIL amount!!

Well, then I had my "debut" and got some orders in. Added with the orders I had taken before then and I was doing good. I put in the Credit Card #'s into Propay and was rollin along. Finally, today I got enough orders to cover most of my expenses on this qualifying order. I go back into Propay and see that the amount available to me isn't what I put in there. Apparently Propay charges a fee!! So I lost more money. URGH.

Add insult to injury: I finish loading my orders, figuring out what I need and what I don't. I go to place my order and am hit with 3 things. The first is: Well, the first is that I have to pay taxes on the retail value of the "Bonus" I earned. That's ridiculous in my book. And before you ask, you can't "opt-out" of the bonus either. Second: I can't use two separate cards to pay for this. I can't use my checking account and my Propay account! I can only use one. Well, as aggravating as that is, it gets even better. I go to transfer all the money from Propay into my checking out...only to get assessed ANOTHER FEE!! That's like a double tax! You charged me a fee to put the $$ in there and then charge me again to USE THE MONEY?!?!?

Needless to say, tonight and this business are getting under my skin. And I don't like it one bit.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I can't say if my weekend was a good one or a bad one...and here's why.

My friend just adopted a dog. It's a Mastiff, so like a horse that barks. She's a really sweet dog though. She's playful and loves to just sit there in the same room as you and let you do your thing. The problem is...She's just such a *BIG* dog!! She drools everywhere all the time. And she sheds constantly. My friend is a total neat freak too, and I worry at some point my friend will decide she just can't deal with that much dog and clean up. My friend was going out of town for the weekend and asked me to watch her dog. Of course I said yes. I mean, I try really very hard to be the kind of friend to others I would want them to be to me. So, if a friend needs me to stay at her place and watch her barking horse, then that's what I will do.

Anyways. I went to her house...and I slept on the couch downstairs. It was so hot! this weekend, and she had said I could sleep on the pullout upstairs but it was too hot to do that so I slept on her couches in the living room downstairs. Ummm, her couches look nice and they are okay to sit on for movies and such, but not so much fun to sleep on.

Then there was the fact that this dog woke me up every night at 1:30 because it "had to go outside." Seriously. She would not stop nudging my face until I got up, put my shoes on, got her leash, and took her outside. For those of you who know me, you know how irritated I become when my sleep is interrupted. I become grumpy. It's one of those faults you have, you acknowledge, and you live with because changing it just isn't worth the trouble.

This went on from Thursday night to Sunday night. There were times when I had to leave and go help my mom. So I'd leave the dog alone for a few hours and come back. When I got back, I'd feed her and give her fresh water. She would then gulp the water down, and keep drinking, and drinking, and drinking; then she'd look at me--and start swishing her head back and forth!! Flinging her spit-water all over the kitchen!! URGH! About halfway through the weekend I was so over it. I didn't want to sleep on a tough couch. I didn't want to follow this dog around the house wiping up spit. I really didn't want to twist my ankles anymore as she tried to chase down every dog which crossed our path on our walks.

On the last night, I had to drive to the airport and pick up my friend and her boyfriend. I was exhausted from poor sleep and working and dealing with the dog. I just wanted to go to sleep.

But then, as I helped unload their bags from my car, my friend turned to me. She looked and me and said "Thank you for taking care of my dog." And the whole weekend was worth it.

That's not to say I'm jumping up and volunteering for the next dog sitting job!!

Taking a Second Look

My sister always makes fun of me for reading books before I go see the movie. She also makes fun of me because I love to see a movie right when it opens in theatres...and if it's one I really liked in theatres than I have to buy it like *Right* at midnight the night it comes out on DVD!!! So tonight has been a real doozy for her as I have spent the entire night watching movies based on books! :)

First of all: She's decided to come be a part of the Wine and Book Club I meet up with every other month or so. I go for the books, she's going more for the wine. lol We're going to talk about the book/movie The Help. Well she wanted to be able to have something to say if we got around to talking about the book, but she didn't really want to read the book. I kept asking her if she wanted to go see the movie and she kept saying no since I'd already seen it. I told her it was so good I'd go see it again. So we did tonight. And guess what: It was just as good the second time! It was definitely worth paying full price for the ticket again. Turns out she loved the movie too. We laughed and cried. She even had some pretty "insightful" things to say afterwards.

During the movie, I kept thinking about how Skeeter and Stewart didn't up together and how sad that was. Even my sister was disappointed by this. It was only after, when I was at home telling my mom about the movie, I realized just how important it was they not end up together. I mean, think about it: He's her first real boyfriend. He's the transition from the life she lived and the life she's striving for. Because of this, he needed to be someone who she could relate to and had some sort of common ground; but in the end, she needs someone else so she can move on. Another point is she needed that boost for her self-esteem. She needed a man to look at her and see the woman she could be; the woman she has all the potential of becoming but can't see in herself. Stewart wasn't necessarily a bad guy once I thought about it. It's so difficult to look at your own life and say it is all wrong and change everything. We can sit in our theatre chairs and criticize people like him who accept the "atrocities" but that's only because we've had the intervening 50 years to sort things out. And we expect these people to change overnight? It typically doesn't happen like that; you can't hate everyone who struggles with change.

So then there's the matter of me watching the movie Something Borrowed. My sisters and I saw it in the theatres, I bought it the DAY it came out, and I've already watched it twice since I bought it. To say I'm a little obsessed it a bit of an understatement. So, yeah, tonight I am watching it again. I love this movie. I love Ginnifer Goodwin!! She's so amazing. Plus her character is so much like me. Everyday I look at those around me and wonder if the things I am doing are making me happy, what would happen if I set out specifically do to the things I think will make me happy, and so on. I have had the soundtrack on repeat. "Running Around in My Dreams," "Poison & Wine," and "The Longer I Run" have already outranked songs on my iPod which have been on there for 4 years!!

So here I sit tonight. At home and completely exhausted from a long work week. Contemplating what I want out of life. It's a little heavy to handle tonight, so I'm just going to sit back and enjoy my movie. Get lost in Ginnifer Goodwin and Colin Egglesfield. Sounds like a plan!

Trust the Kids

I have some family in from out of state and they wanted to go into the city and scoushe around.
*Side Note for those of you who don't know: "Scoushe" has several definitions. Literally it means "a little bit;" like you use a scoushe of salt in your cooking. Other definitions include: 1) to meander without direction or with little direction; 2) a jerk/douchebag: a person of little consequence. Those are the big definitions.

Back to the story. Anyways, so my family said they wanted to see Navy Pier in particular today but it was pouring rain when we got there. My sister had brought my nephews into the city as well because they wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel and that wasn't going to happen. Honestly, we were all a little freaked out about how the boys were going to handle being couped up in the Pavilion at Navy Pier-which seems huge until it is *PACKED* with people trying to avoid the sporadic showers. Then you get antsy watching out for the boys, you have to worry about keeping them occupied but not breaking anything...basically it could have been a huge mess. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun.

We were walking in the Pavilion and there was a Build-A-Bear company inside. They were running a deal: Any animal, any outfit, and any shoes for like $30, so I decided to buy a bear for one of the boys so my sister wouldn't have to buy two or try and get the boys to share. I remember being a kid and remember how kids act from when I was a baby-sitter: They are never that great at sharing. I figured I would let them pick out a bear and we would get an outfit for it and everything. It was great. The baby picked out a black teddy bear, filled it to be "soft," picked out "Biker Boots," "Biker Chaps," a Harley Davidson shirt, a Harley Davidson bandana, and aviator sunglasses. It was seriously the CUTEST bear ever made. We were all so proud of it. The adults probably more so than the kids!! lol

After I pay for it, we go back in the line to see what his brother had decided on. We were in the line and asked him which one he was getting. He had picked up one of the less inexpensive puppies, so my mom-in an effort to "get the most out of the money"-was trying to talk him into getting one of the more expensive dogs. So he looked around again, but he was dead set on this dog. He just loved it. He loved being the one to work the pedal that filled the pup with stuffing and then putting the heart inside and the noise maker; he picked out some Disney Cars pajamas and Cars slippers for it to wear. He didn't embellish with anything else. He just kept it really simple. And you know what? That was one of the cutest puppies I've seen.

He brought it over after they had gone home to change and get cleaned up. The adults were playing a card game on the floor and he was sitting behind me on the couch, just cuddling with this stuffed dog. We asked what he was naming it and he said: "Puppy." My sister thought he was being crabby when he said this--because it was practically nap time the first time he told her-but when we asked him again tonight, he said the same thing. Again with keeping it really simple.

In the end, we went home with some pretty amazing stuffed animals. I'm not gonna try and be noble and say it was the simplest one that ended up being the best because it wasn't the best. It was just the one that taught me something: Kids do know what they want. It doesn't have to be grandiose or anything either. Sometimes, to get the most out of your money, you just have to really enjoy what you are spending your money on. A deal isn't a deal if you don't enjoy it. My nephew's dog may not have really saved us any money in the end, but I can't remember the last time I saw him this happy and calm!

Trust the kids. They can teach us a lot actually. Sometimes we forget how smart they really are. We think, because we have all this life experience that we have to know more than them or know better what's best for them. That's not always the case!

A Great Weekend

Sorry this one's so late....

Ever have one of those weekends where things are just going great? Where fun and amazing things just keep happening? I'm so lucky...I had one of those weekends!

It started out simply enough: I went to Target on Thursday to get stuff for the cookout I was having on Saturday. I went and got most everything I needed. Well, I couldn't find the rice milk--which I am becoming obsessed with!!--but I realized once I was in the car that I didn't look in the right aisle. Anyways, I'm in the check out line and the person doing the checkout couldn't have been more than 16 or 17. As she's ringing up my purchases I asked to apply for the Target card. I really made her day apparently. She kept saying how she had asked everyone who had come through her line if they wanted to apply and they were all rude when they said no...and then I came up and actually *asked her* if I could apply for one! She even did a little happy dance!! I smiled just because of how happy she was.

Then on Saturday I had some friends over for a small cookout. We made burgers and dogs and chicken and fish and sauteed peppers... I made pasta salad; some friends brought over salads and punch. We grilled everything outside, played music on the speakers. We just chilled, ate, played bags, and--when the weather cold down some--we lit a fire in the firepit and just relaxed. It was one of the most chill nights hanging out with friends ever and I realized how lucky I am.

Ever have that? Just a great moment? Simple pleasures with people who are good to you? Those are the best moments. Honestly.

Love & Fear

I am always thinking about love. What can I say?: I group up in the South, surrounded by Disney movies! My favorite book and movie *STILL* is Beauty and the Beast. There really wasn't any hope of me not being in love with love. :)

Now, I know I'm only 26. To some that's young; to others it's old. It's both to me too. I have so many friends who are married or engaged and most of them have babies (another thing I want most in the world). Even my sisters have mini-families that bring them so much love. My younger sister has been with her boyfriend closing in on 5 years now and they have 2 puppies and a beautiful home. They have a real relationship too with the little fights and the big fights...but also the hugs and the kisses and the small gestures that make people really happy. When I see her and her happiness, especially, I feel very old because I don't have that. That kind of love and commitment keeps people young, I think.

There are moments you realize--looking back--that changed who you are completely. I know the first of those moments. I was a Junior in high school and really liked this guy. He was almost everything on my "checklist" but then, those things he wasn't I really didn't have marked as important (he had blonde hair and I tended to lean more towards dark hair, sort of thing). He was smart and funny and kind. So kind. He played baseball which has *ALWAYS* been a weakness of mine. And he liked me. Now, it's very rare-for me-to like a guy and him like me back. I think a lot of people, if they are honest with themselves will find this to be true, unless you are one of the lucky ones who doesn't have this problem. In which case :-P to you! lol

Wanna know what I did with this amazing person, this amazing potential relationship? I ran. I was so scared that I pushed him away. I always claimed it was because there was a 3rd party who made our lives fairly difficult if he and I became closer and I just didn't want to deal with that. The fact is, I was a chicken and didn't feel like I was good enough.

Over the years I have thought about this person randomly. People will ask me about graduation or prom or whatever and I always think back to this person. I didn't go to prom with them, but ended up going with a friend...and eventually dealing with Mr. 3rd party. I did go to his graduation and took a picture with him, which I still have to this day....and he came to mine! When people ask me now what my ideal guy is, I tend to list all the amazing traits this person had. Maybe he still does, I don't know. I didn't talk to him for years. Just lost touch. It's so sad to think of all that wasted time. Time when what could have made me happier and better was right there but fear and self-doubt kept me from going for it.

Looking back on it, it seems simple. Even now people say I should just tell him how I felt and still feel. Because, honestly, it's still there for me. The fact that I have a picture that is nearly 10 years old says something in and of itself. The fact that I bring up anecdotes concerning him still says something. The fact that I won't tell him because he's in a relationship with someone else should say something too. I just hope it's not that I'm chicken---- again.

Happiness

I just finished reading the book The Happiness Project and it's already had an amazing impact on me. It's got me wanting to hold my book out and offer it to everyone! haha

One of the things I realized is just how simple it is to overlook little joys. For example:
--I have been craving Tuna Fish sandwiches for a week now. I don't like fish really, but it just sounded so good and it's something I can eat that is filling and healthy. (I got braces almost 6 months ago and it's becoming harder actually to find good and healthy food that won't break a bracket.) I hadn't said anything to my mom about it, but we were down to 1 can of tuna fish and I didn't want to be the person who took the last can. I hate being that person on anything; so I was waiting until next week when I could get to the store and buy some. Well, yesterday I came home and there were 5 or 6 cans of tuna!! I was ecstatic! Seriously, deliriously happy about such a small thing: Not only did I now have tuna, but my mom had bought it without realizing just how much I wanted it. It made me feel loved and appreciated and thought of, even if she didn't buy them for me. It didn't matter.

--I'm grateful for the skill I learned my senior year of high school: I can skim read and still comprehend. This is actually a really important skill to have I've learned. I used it most recently with this book. I was over halfway through it when I realized that I needed to go back and highlight sections; there was just too much information I needed to be able to get at later on. So, with my skill, I went back to page 1 and skim-read to get my information. I'm able to read just a few words within each paragraph on the page and remember what I need to know for that whole thing. It doesn't have to be the first few words or the last few words or even words side-by-side. Just any random few words and I'm good. That saved me at least another 3 days of reading.

--I love (and hate) that I make lists all the time. Positives are that it helps me remember everything I have to do, it keeps my thoughts organized, the information is *ALWAYS* available since I'm likely to have a list someplace around me at any given point, and it's a great memory exercise. Since my family has a history of Alzheimer's Dementia, I actively try to engage my mind; exercises like this are supposed to delay the symptoms should I ever have this disease. All major pluses.
--The negatives?: It's an actual constant *NEED* to do these lists. I don't like have check marks or items marked through on my list, so I will make a new one; this often leads me to feel like I haven't accomplished anything since I can't see physical evidence of a completed task, but my OCD just won't let me have those "dirty lists." And I don't always make them efficient. I know it's better to group things in sensible ways so you can maximize efficiency but I don't do that. I just write as I remember and then I end up skipping around and making a mess of my list and I can't have that. (See IMMEDIATE PREVIOUS POINT!! LOL)

To quote my hubpages post (Which I think you guys should check out: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Happiness-Project-Wonders):

In the end I know what makes me happy:

• It's the thing that surprises me and the things I take for granted.
• It's the people I surround myself with and the people I miss.
• It's the time I spend doing what I love and the time I spend looking forward.
• It's the life I'm making and the life that's making me.

Random Researching

Today I had this really random idea: I want to do a research paper--for no real reason. I was walking around Barnes and Noble today and it just hit me. If I wanted to do a paper on Jane Austen, what books would I need? Who has written books on her and what would they say? Would I want to research Jane Austen or Greek Mythology or the Egyptians? So many options!!

The thing I loved most about college was writing the papers. I really liked getting all the information and putting it all together. I liked reading all the books and articles and online stuff on the subject. I actually got to spend 4 years developing one topic--Wheeling Without Dealing: Physical Activities Improve Persons with Physical Disabilities. When I got to Grad school, I did a case study on Multi-Sensory Rooms and their effects on persons with Alzheimer's. Both of these were incredible topics and I loved learning more about them.

After taking a look at my bookshelves, I've realized I could at least start a paper on Cleopatra and/or the Egyptians, Greeks and other mythologies, and Jane Austen. Now I just have to figure out if this is actually something worth doing or if it'll just irritate me...

Family frustrations

I love my family. Really and truly. But it seems like they are the first people to really piss me off! There are things about them I just don't get!

For instance, I have a sister who is negative about everyone. The first thing out of her mouth when you start talking about someone *WILL* be negative. She might follow it up with something nice--if she actually does like the person--but usually it's just a mean comment. Even to me. Sometimes it's veiled but it's always there in her comments.
She likes her things a certain way; I tend to be more conservative, more sedate if you will. So she'll say something about how I'd look better or "happier" if I took the time to ... (fill in whatever it is she thinks I'm missing). Sad thing is, most days I really like how I look. I'm not *GORGEOUS* by any stretch of the imagination, but I have tried very hard to become content in myself. I'm 5' 2" and "curvy" (though I do wish I were a little leaner or more muscular) I wear contacts most of the time, but sometimes they bother me and I have to wear my glasses. My hair can really only be styled 2 ways: Stick straight or a messy bun straight from the shower. Now add in my new braces (only 6 more months!!!) and you can tell why I might be a little self-conscious when someone tells me I could look better if...

Then I have my other sister. She's just soo loud all the time!! People love her though. She's not confrontational so people usually don't know when they've upset her; and, let's be honest, people don't usually want to know when they've upset you. It's because she's so loud people like her, I think. So sometimes that makes me worried; like, maybe if I were louder or more outgoing, people might like me more. But I'm just not. So I try not to dwell on the fact that I will never be the life of the party or the person others rely on for a uproariously funny joke.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I am nothing like my sisters. They are very loud people; I am not. They like attention; I think they both wanted to be actresses or something at one point in their lives because they are always the center of attention. I actually don't like having that much attention on me from a lot of people. It makes me very uncomfortable. I would much rather have a simple conversation with 1, 2, no more than 3 people. More than that and I feel like I'm not giving each person enough attention to make them feel appreciated. They are always fashionable and I'm usually worried people will realize my outfit probably came from Target. They are so sure about themselves they are confident they will get the next job they apply for. Since I left the field I actually went to school for, I am always worried people are going to look at me as a failure.

All that being said: I do love them. They are the people who have known me the longest and can most quickly point out when I am not being true to myself. Granted, they aren't always right about who the true me is, but they are always there, nonetheless.

Clarity

This clarity blog isn't for me so much as it is for those of you who may not actually know me or understand what the title of my blog means. Basically I am a ridiculously *HUGE* Jane Austen fan. I love all her works. My favorite, though, is the book Persuasions. I think it's because my relationship with that book mirrors the book itself so directly.

The first time I read Persuasions I liked it...but I didn't love it. The first time I watched the BBC movie Persuasions I liked it...but again, didn't love it. After a while, however, whenever I would randomly reach for a movie to watch, I would end up reaching for that one. If I needed a book to read, I would grab that one--even though I have shelves and shelves of books to choose from. When I stopped to think about it I realized I actually love this book.

And I am just like Anne Elliot. I am not the girl deemed "Most Beautiful" in my family, but I am "Most Dependable." I always try to understand the perspective of others and justify their actions.

The reason this blog is "Persuasion of Self" is simple: I like myself, really I do. But I want to love myself. I want my relationship with myself to mirror the relationship of Wentworth and Anne in the book; and my relationship between me and the book. I want to re-examine why I do what I do. What I like and why I like it, or if I actually like it or just *want* to like it. I am persuading myself to dig deeper, go deeper than I have before.

Maybe I'll get my happy ending too!

EPL & THP...Take a look!

There are a few things I never do. I never ride motorcycles. I never leave a mess. I never eat food that's even a little bit spoiled. And I never EVER write in my books. Not even when my Senior English teacher in high school told us to so we could remember things to refer back to later, or things that would help us on our tests. Never. I always felt a pain in my heart when I would open a book and see someone had highlighted passages or written in the sides. That and seeing the spine of a book broken. I feel like books should be respected. They are works of art. You would go writing on the Mona Lisa, now would you? No. I am okay with dog ear-ing a book though. To me, that just says the book was loved. I know a lot of people who think differently.

The first time I was even tempted to mark in my book was when I read Eat Pray Love. There were just so many points I wanted to remember. So many tidbits of advice that resonated with me and which I wanted to take with me. I abstained though. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't mark up the wonderous words Elizabeth Gilbert had put on paper. I figured the overall meanings would stay with me, even if I couldn't quote them verbatim or tell you where they were in the book. ...Not Any More!

I recently started reading The Happiness Project. And man! There's just so much information!! So much stuff I have to remember! I haven't finished it yet, but I am Sooo motivated to just jump on and get going. Get to being happier. Not that I'm depressed now, but there are things I don't appreciate like I know I should. Things I want to make time to do, but feel guilty about it. People I take for granted.

Now I am "registered" on the free site: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com. I have entered all the preliminary information. I have even set my "resolutions" --which, let's be honest--sounds so much better than "goals." I have ways to track them. And now, time to get back to reading! I have so much more marking to do!

P.S. I'll probably go back and re-read EPL because I definitely need to get in there with my highlighter! :)

Just Me

I know, I know. I already have a blog. Well, more than one. But none are about "ME." One is about my photography and is a way to display it outside of facebook and my official website. It's like the sampler platter: I just show the pieces I feel best describe what kind of shoot I had that time. But then that became tedious since I did have so many other places to show the pictures. I am really far behind on that blog. I know I should update it with the latest shoots since there were some good pics, but for now I'm not interested in it.

Then I have the Book Blog. Again, it's kind of about me since I am the one reading the books and then writing my opinions on them. But I try not to get too personal on there. I try really hard to make sense of the books and the writing styles. It's a critique more than me. Oh, and I'm behind on that too! Sheesh, I feel lazy now writing this!

Recently I started thinking about things and wanting to write them down to share. I didn't think anyone would really care though, so I kept putting off starting a really personal blog. Since I started reading The Happiness Project, though, I've realized it doesn't really matter if others read it. If I need to get the words out, then I should get them out. The best way for me is to write them down. Otherwise I dwell on them or forget them. Sometimes you forget things you don't mean to forget or things which shouldn't be forgotten. You don't ever mean to. It just happens.

Now I am taking control of my thoughts and actions. I am going to report to no one but myself.

....This should also make me more accountable to myself. A Perk if you will. So here I go. Self Persuasions.