Dear Jane

Dear Ms. Austen,

It has been a pleasure knowing you. For it is through knowing you that I have found myself. Your presence in my life has been something of a mythical gift, one in which I will forever feel inadequate of receiving while still grateful.

When you write, I feel as though you have taken me and my personal experiences, and placed them in your current situation. How you were able to see through the dung that is your current residence in life--that of a "lowly" female, forced into subservience by man--and create your own environment I will never know. The power of your words to transcend time and rank, bringing men to their knees at the feet of their loves and strength to women who otherwise see themselves as helpless... That is a blessing and a responsibility. One you have shouldered simply and effectively.

You are probably best known for Pride and Prejudice. I have to admit, that was my first introduction to you. It was because of an AP Lit class my senior year of high school that I will forever know and respect you. The BBC version of Pride & Prejudice was undoubtedly my favorite movie of all times for many years. I didn't read the book for another few years, but when I did, I found the truth and integrity had been translated well to the "big screen." While perusing the aisles--searching for fulfillment over mindless gaggles--I discovered what would be my doppelganger: your story Persuasions. This book and movie emulate almost exactly my life to this point. After reading the book and seeing the movie, I feel a kinship with them stronger than most physical relationships I have had throughout my life.

I am Anne Elliott. I am the person "everyone speaks well of, but no one remembers to talk to" (a quote from Sense & Sensibility that fits suitably). I am meticulous of my actions as they relate to those I care about, those with whom I surround myself. I make conscientious efforts to ensure those around me know what they mean to me. I also always want to be sure of the comfort of those I care about. 

I am in love with Wentworth. He is the man by which I judge all others. He is proud, strong, determined, athletic, solid...these are both assets and obstacles, depending on the situation. I want so much to love someone so completely, as Anne and Frederick do towards each other, while still being strong and true to myself. I want no one to hurt me, but am willing to open my heart to those deserving. I am cautious and candid, much like Wentworth.

The words I write, I write to free my soul from the entrapment, the prison I create when I withhold the truth even from myself. I have no preconception that my words will influence others, just as I am sure you did not as you crafted the stories in your head to the paper. You wrote to disentangle the fiction from the fantasy--the fiction being the works of literary art, and the fantasy being the lie of a life you were living; as though anyone of your caliber and talent should be confined to dependence on the kindness of male relatives. Your superiority in all things literary is juxtaposed against the harsh reality that you may never be fully and deservedly appreciated. No one, though, can take away the lives we live within in confines of our own imagination. I think you for showing me that nothing--not time, not culture, not the whims and expectations of others--can or should deter me from the creative life I wish to live.

My goal is to be a wife and mother. Being as you were neither, nor showed much inclination towards either, it may seem odd to say you are the example by which I strive to live my life. You are my role model, my "life muse," my divergent path. You are the light by which I guide my actions. You have influenced me and I am eternally grateful.

Thankful

I know we are closing in on the end of November and every one has been doing those Daily Devotional things where every day they write what they are thankful for. I know it may seem a little late to be starting this, but I purposefully avoided writing one of these for that very reason: EVERY ONE was doing one EVERY DAY! And then, if they happened to miss one, they would feel guilty and end up writing a "I'm Thankful For..." for all the days they had missed. Clogging up my facebook with all the same thing. So here I am, at the end of the month, writing one really long set of things I am thankful for.

**My pup, Jax. He is by far the best friend I have. He lets me know every day that there is enough love in this world to share with everyone at any time. There's no reason to shy away from showing someone you care about them. Love wholly and completely and deliberately.

**My sisters. I know I don't always get along with them. Sometimes I think I have nothing in common with them. But I don't have to. I am their big sister. My job will always be to protect them, even if it's from themselves. I am willing to be the bad guy so they can stay safe. Even when they say things I don't want to hear or don't need to hear, when they do things I don't like; my job is to be there for them and I am thankful I am still able to have that job.

**My parents and other family members. I consider them separate from my sisters because my role as a sister is different than any other role I have with any other family member. Either way, I am thankful for my family. They are crazy and wild and opinionated. They never do things that make much sense to others, but they are LOYAL! My mom's side is very extreme. They love to the extreme, they hate to the extreme. They don't care about how much money you bring to the table, but they do care about how much love you bring to it. If you aren't willing to be there for them, they can and will wash their hands of you. My dad's side is more conservative. They are strong-willed. They remind me of those 1950s shows in how they approach things. I am thankful to have both examples by which to lead my life.

**My job. I am thankful to have one when so many today do not. I hear it all the time: Why don't you get a job with your degree? The thing is, I am doing something now that I am good at. I didn't know I was good at this type of work and I would not have known I was good at something other than the things I had been told I was good at. It can be difficult to work in an mostly female environment with all the typical "girl issues." But the fact is, I have a job. I am able to pay my bills every month without too much stress.

**My ability to read. Aside from the fact there are people who can't read, I am thankful I am able to enjoy great works of literary art. Reading is how I spend my free time. It allows me to escape from the sad times or the bad times. I can go back to eras and stories anytime I want.

**My car. It offers me a limited independence as well as an ability to get to and from work.

**My past. I will NOT say there are things I don't regret, because there are. I totally have events and decisions I wish I could change. I would. But, since I can't, I am thankful for all the opportunities I have been given. For the people in my life whom I have allowed to shape my life. For the times I have spent laughing and crying because those are moments I can never get back. I will stand proud and true to the person I was, even if I am no longer that person.

**My future. It is undecided. I am the only person who can dictate what happens, where I go, what I will do. Only me. I am thankful that I have the ability to have a future.

**My health. I generally do not get sick. I think it's, in part, because I do not take meds. I don't allow myself to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I know a lot of people who go looking for reasons to be sick. They want those pills which they think will make their lives better. I want a life made better by living and by acting.

**Inner strength. It wavers: Ebbs and flows like the ocean. But it's there when I need it. There are things I won't bow down to, no matter what. There are things I won't do without, even when I have almost nothing. I have been single for longer than I would like. I could easily have made due with just anyone. I could have accepted the love they gave, but it wouldn't have been enough because it wouldn't have been everything. And I deserve that. I deserve someone who thinks I am worth everything. And, when it comes down to it, I know my inner strength is the reason I haven't accepted Mr. Right-Now and waited for Mr. Right.

**God. I have a relationship with Him that is filling. I feel no need to go out and promote this relationship. I stand by Him and He by me. I try to live a life He can be proud of since it is Him who gave it to me. "God gave us beaches, because He liked the way the sand felt running through our fingers." What I mean is, He *wants* us to go out and live our lives because then He gets to experience it too. Even though I am thankful for God and all He's given me, I do not stand behind a denomination anymore. I see no reason to prescribe to one way of thinking. I am thankful for ALL religions which honor life and kindness. I look for the good in all religions and aspire to emulate them to my fullest. Not *THE* fullest, but *MY* fullest. I don't think any one group has it right. I think there are things to be taken from each; when we are able to find the common thread, we find God. In every name, in every form, He is there.

**Simple joys. Without them, it's not worth the struggle of working every day, of fighting with those you love. You can pay your bills and never get anything in return. Or you can find the simple things every day which make you even a little bit more happy than when you encountered them. I am thankful for those silver linings.

**True friends. They may be last on my list here, but they all know they are important. I have always tried my best to be the type of friend to others I would wish or expect them to be towards me. I know it may not be fair, but I want friends in my life who respect me and strive to be the best friend to me they can. Friends and family are the first to hurt you because you have let them in the closest. It's not always their fault when they have hurt you, but the fact that you let them in is something to be thankful for. I am now working on allowing only those worthy of my friendship to be close. It's not me being conceited when I say this. I just mean that I don't want any more people coming in and using or abusing me because I have called them my friend. I value them and want the same in return. I am thankful I have found and continue to find people worth spending my time.

Okay. There is my List of Thanks. See, now was there really any reason to post something every day for 30 days??? Nope!! I got everything down in one sitting. :)

Short and Simple

Tonight I was reading a friend's blog and realized that she writes in it almost every day...and I don't. When I started this blog, I don't think I had any pre-conceived notions that I would become a "habitual" writer or that I would suddenly want to write every thought I have down on the internet. No, I think I knew I would only write down the thoughts I couldn't stop thinking or just *REALLY NEEDED* to get off my chest. I went back through and read all my previous blogs. They immediately brought me back to the night I wrote them or the event I was talking about. It was nice to go to those places again with the benefit of "20/20 hindsight." I also realized just how much my life and I have changed.

I am still on the dating site. I actually went on a real date for the first time in YEARS right before Halloween. It was awkward, of course. I mean, one of the reasons I had asked my sisters and friends to introduce me to people is so I would be able to talk to them about the person and get honest opinions. Online you have to rely on what you read. Plus, I mean, first dates in general are usually a little uncomfortable when you don't really know the person. Let's be honest. lol That date doesn't seem to be going any further which is a bit of a shame, but I'm not going to give up or get down on myself. I knew I wasn't going to meet "Mr. Right" in the first week on the site. I do wish things were going a little better though.

Have you ever looked at your friends and been like: HOW did we end up here? I have a friend--the same friend I dog-sat for--and I just can't believe the turns our relationship have taken. More so lately than before. She likes to say she's not a "clubber" or a "partier" but she is always wanting to go out somewhere. I really can't afford to be her friend anymore--in a financial sense particularly! She makes more money than I do and the places she suggests are "NICE" places; places I cannot afford and feel weird being at in general. She doesn't seem to understand this though and it's making it difficult to stay friends with her. Our personalities are so different. That used to make it fun to hang out but now it just makes it irritating.

What do you do when you are working towards becoming someone you can be proud of and there are people you no longer see as beneficial to your growth? I have the hardest time breaking away from people and breaking out of relationships. It took me almost 4 years to sever all ties with someone I knew-almost from the beginning-was not a good person for my self-esteem. I kept letting them be a part of my life. Intellectually I knew the phrase: "Here for a reason, a season, a lifetime;" emotionally though I can't seem to part ways with people. I always feel guilty because I remember the things they did for me when I wasn't strong enough, or reflect on the fun times I had with them and think: There can be more fun times if I just let there be more. It's not always that simple though.

Any advice on this last one?

Being Good

I like to think I am a good person. I try really hard to be good, try to treat everyone with respect. I try to see both sides to every story and see why someone might think the way they do without judging them. I am friends with almost every ex I have had; of course, there are those who I have lost contact with over the years, but there are really only 2 with whom I won't talk. With all that in mind, this weekend I realized just how "not good" of a person I can be.

This weekend, I helped a friend move out of the home she shared with her boyfriend of many years. The whole time I was helping her, I would just look at her in awe. Here she was packing her things up, separating them from his...and putting his stuff back neatly!! There was the occasional tearing of a photo of the two of them, but she didn't throw anything. She didn't tear up his things even though she easily could have. She didn't hide his things. She didn't try to take things which could be "either his or hers." She was so mature about this.

At one point I just stood there feeling guilty. I watched her pack up her financial stuff in one box, put his stuff in another box, and put the box in the closet on top of the other things of his. I looked at the other person helping us and said: "You know, if that were me, I would be throwing his papers all over the room after what he did."

That's when I realized how much I really do have to work on myself everyday. It's a constant thing. And that's completely okay. I've been lucky my relationships ended civilly, for the most part. How would I react if things ended badly? I don't really know, but now I do know I can be honest with myself on this.

Lesson: It's not being a hypocrite until you know about it and STILL do nothing!