Positive affirmations to myself

People are always saying you should be happy in your own skin. You should be okay with the way you are because God made you that way. You should...you should...you should. Well BOLLOCKS to that!! I'm here to say "never except what you are given is all you have."

Okay, before I get a ton of people (all three of you who read this) sending me mean emails..just think about it: What you are given should be the starting point, the jumping off point to where you go. Now, I'm not trying to be weird or condone crazy antics (ahem: Heidi whats-her-face). I'm saying that just because you find yourself in a certain look, doesn't mean you have to feel stuck to it. 

So everyone feels better, I'll lay out some of my "issues." First, I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall, so if I put on even 5 pounds, you can tell. Given that on March 1st I was weighing in close to 170 (yes you read that right) pounds, eh...that's not so great. And no, I didn't "Love myself" then. I was ashamed I had let myself get to that point. It'd be one thing if I was always bigger, or if I could attribute that to muscle..or being pregnant. But no. I was just using my braces as a way to eat crap food. And it showed. Granted, I couldn't eat a lot of healthy things like carrots or even those protein bars when I had braces, so that didn't help. But still I made some poor choices in my diet and then followed it up with no exercise. All my fault. So now I'm fixing it. I've gotten to where I work out almost 5 times a week for at least half an hour (usually closer to an hour!!). And the difference is really starting to show. In my face--literally and figuratively. My face is usually the first place to slim down anyways, but now that I'm having more salads and water it's breaking out less and feels smoother. I haven't really changed my make-up routine so it's gotta be the diet/exercise. 

For those people who say it's easy to lose weight--let me tell you how WRONG they are! I have worked my rear end off for almost 2 months and I think I may have lost 4 pounds. But I'm totally okay because I know I am doing this in a healthy way. I'm not pounding pills. I'm not sustaining on liquid meals. I'm definitely not starving myself or purging. Do I cheat? Yep. I try not to have sodas because even I know how terrible they are for you. So I can get through an entire work week and be ok, But come Friday afternoon, suddenly I'm CRAVING a coca-cola! Who knows why. But guess what I found: You can go to Target or Wal-Mart and get sparkling water for like 74cents and it can taste soooo good. I'm lovin Pomegranate/Cherry from Target right now. I didn't even have a soda this weekend at all! I did have a small bit of ice cream so I can't say it was a perfect weekend, but that's so not necessary. Every day...every meal can be a victory. Work on replacing one "bad thing" on your plate for something better. When I first started, I would still eat at the Popeye's next to my work, but I choose mashed potatoes instead of fries. Now I bring my lunch most days and I can't even stand the smell of the fried food. It took me almost a month of weaning though to get there. Give it time!!


Second: I am the ULTIMATE GEEK!! At least it feels like it sometimes. I mean: I have bad eyesight, I break out sometimes, I wore braces, I'm short, I guess I'd say I'm "smart," and I really don't have that hourglass figure like I'd want. (I'm still trying to shape it! lol) But I am learning to address these things and work with (or around) them. 

• I usually wear contacts, but I have found some cute glasses I like to wear. They are more funky than the ones I grew up wearing, so I feel fun and hip and cool and QUIRKY (not dorky) when I wear them. 
• Break outs just generally suck. Eh I can't fix that. But I stopped trying to cake on the make-up because it only made them worse. Now I buy GOOD face cleansers (you get what you pay for, right?) and make-up that draws attention where I want it. I've learned how to apply make-up so I don't feel under- or over-done. 
• I just got my braces off today so that one thing right there made me feel 100 times cuter! (Hey I'll admit it: I'm a little vain/proud!) I can tell I walk straighter and smile more and they've only been off for about 12 hours! lol 
• Can't fix my height so I embrace it. I actually don't wear heels that often. 1) Because they are the devil! Totally uncomfortable. and 2) Because wearing heels to me is kind of like wearing 2 padded bras: People know what's going on and you just end up looking stupid! Flats can be cute and comfy and complete the outfit just as well.
• I like that I'm generally smart. I know the areas that I have more knowledge in and am able to see where I can learn from others. Plus, I just generally like to learn things. This is something about myself that I have always known and learned early on that someone somewhere will appreciate it. Until then...
• I mentioned my weight before, so I'm not going to harp on that. I just know that the goal isn't to be "small," it's to be STRONG.

Third--and final for tonight--I always compare myself to those around and sometimes find I'm not where I think I should be. I mean, I have a lot of friends with kids and that's something I've always wanted. Even my younger sisters are closer to the marriage and baby thing than I seem to be right now...So I could feel like a failure because I don't have that yet. But I try really hard not to. I have to remind myself that I made a choice to continue my education and move around a lot. Those things made it difficult to "settle." It's actually oxymoronic if you think about it: you can't settle if you're constantly moving, right? So there you go. You can't regret the things you did because of the things you wish you had now. You have to be okay with what's in front of you and work on achieving those next steps.

Ultimately, yes, you have to be okay with the core you. I have to be okay with the fact I am full of random and mostly useless knowledge. I have to be okay with the fact I have bad eyes. I have to be okay with the fact I will always be shorter than almost every person I meet. I CANNOT change these things. But the things I don't like and can change: Well now I am actively working on changing every single one of them. No surgeries. No implants or suctions or drains...nothing weird or crazy. Just healthy living and healthy choices.

Final food for thought:

God gave us sand and water, but it takes some work to make a beautiful sand castle, right?

Guilty Pleasures

Do you ever feel guilty about being really happy or excited about something? That's kind of what I'm going through right now.

Recently I made a decision that is going to DRASTICALLY change my life. The thing of it is: I'm not 100% ready to share all the details yet. So I'm working towards this goal that only a handful of people know about (try 3 people!). The issue really is: Those who are close to me and don't know my goal, well they keep trying to make plans for my future.

Plans I just won't be able to see through if I'm able to do this one thing I want to do.

I feel so guilty about this! I mean, my mom was recently talking about eventually, when I buy a house... Well the problem with that is, my goal really won't allow this. But I can't tell her that. Because then I have to go and explain everything.

And I'm not ready for that.

And she's also really excited about helping me plan that day and I don't want to take that away from her yet.

I've made some mistakes in my life. Choices which will make achieving my goal *that much more* difficult. But there's hope. The people who do know about what I'm trying to do and what I'm working towards, well they are really encouraging. In order to pursue this dream, I have to be healthier. I have to be in better shape. Have to.

So I'm working out more now. I'm setting all these little goals for myself. And I'm actually achieving them! Like: I wanted to run a 5K in less than 48 minutes (that would be a little less than a 16minute mile). Well I think I did it in like 46:46. Goal met.

Then there was the goal of running a 15 minute mile. Well that too has been accomplished. 

And then today I did something I honestly didn't think I would get to for another 3 weeks or so. I wanted to be able to run 1.5 miles in 16 minutes flat. Today I ran it in 15:45. I actually beat my previous best time by an incredible 30 whole seconds! It made my day! I also managed to wake up at 6am and be at the gym by 6:30 which I haven't been able to force myself to do yet. Two milestones in a single day! WOW!

Now comes the part I'm really dreading. I have to lose some SERIOUS WEIGHT. I think it's in the ball park of 15-20 pounds. I don't know how long I have to lose it, but we'll say 4 weeks. 6 maybe? Working out is getting me in shape and I feel amazing, but the weight's not dropping like I really need it to. So I'm going to breakdown and implement the "diet" portion of the recommended "diet and exercise" shpiel. Ugh.

Food is such a weakness of mine. I get these serious cravings for something and it's usually just because that "something" isn't in the house. How do you re-train your brain to recognize that you really aren't hungry; you're just bored. Or: you don't really want that Grilled Cheese from Steak N Shake; you just want something that isn't here. 

So those are my issues right now:

1) How do you prepare yourself mentally for a major life shift when you can't share your concerns with those around you?

2) What should be my next FEASIBLE and MEASUREABLE goal physically?

3) How do you lose weight in a healthy way without feeling depressed because you're eating boiled chicken and rice again?!?!? Ugh. 

Don't get "fat." Stay active. It's so much easier to stay active than to get active. So much easier to maintain your weight than to lose it. :-/

G'night guys!

Let's see who reads this...

Everything I do has a purpose behind it. Every decision I make is the right one for me. If even just for the moment I am living in, I make the choice I feel will be the best for me. Some people I know tell me to "pray on it." Some tell me to weigh the pro's and con's. I can totally appreciate that this is the way they need to look at big life decisions in order to feel comfortable with their choices. I totally support it.

That being said: I do things a little different. Yes I weigh pros and cons. BUT I don't look at them too long. I approach any decision I have to make like it's a question on the ACT/SAT. I look at it once, give it the attention it needs, answer it, and move on. I never go back and second guess myself. I also tend to make my decisions immediately and instantaneously.

It's been that way my whole life. Even when I was little I would do that. In middle school I would put together speeches for competitions with maybe a day or two to write and learn them. I even signed up for the Children's Classic in 6th grade with about 10 minutes to prep. Then, as I grew up  and the choices became a little more dramatic and indicative of where my life would eventually lead and end up, well the process I took stayed the same. I knew I wasn't an athlete so I joined the newspaper and yearbook staff. Went to undergrad to study that, but there was a pivotal moment when we had to write a paper on why we wanted to be in photojournalism and I just realized I didn't want to anymore. I realized that I loved my job more than my degree: I would work my shifts, pick up more shifts, hang out at the fields before and after...even my closest friends were those I made at my job. In the few hours after I was assigned the paper, I walked up to the Recreation Department Head and told him I wanted to change my major. Just like that!

I took every job I've ever had with no more than a few hours consideration. And now it may be time to do it again. I know where I am now is not where I plan to be when I retire. It's a great job, but I feel like there's something...something missing. In every other job there was a camaraderie. A sense that we were all on the same team, trying to achieve the same goal. We wanted the best for everyone. At the place I work now, there's a sense of competition: trying to get YOUR doctor's schedule filled. Trying to get YOUR claims sent out before everyone else. Trying to collect more money than anyone else. All these things are necessary; I understand that. But I really miss what I used to have.

So now I'm taking steps to achieve the next goal I've set for myself. I'm making sure I get and stay healthy. I'm working out. I'm eating better (I haven't hit up the Popeye's next to my office for food in like two whole weeks!). I'm talking to people in the field I want to get into. I'm TRYING to get my foot in the door.

I'm not going to say anything too specific because there's still just so much on my plate to get in order before I can even truly and honestly think about it, but I'm very proud of the choices I've already made. Let's just end with this: Pride and Honor are the most important things to me. Where-ever I end up, I will make sure I abide by those.

Self Pity

I hate when people expect others to listen to every little thing they have to--or want to--say. When those people think their every thought is so vitally important to everyone else's existence to deny them the opportunity to hear these thoughts seems unthinkable. That being said: I'm going to do a little bit of a self-pity rant. Here's your forewarning...

I'm not that old. 26 is not that old! I know age is "mind over matter" and "relative" and all that jazz. I know a five year old thinks 30 is ancient and a 25 year old thinks 30 is still really young. I get all that. But why, oh why, do I feel like maybe I'm past my sell by date? haha In a serious note though, sometimes I wonder what it is about me that leaves me single at 26. Why is it so hard to find a good someone? 

I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. But maybe you can let me know: I want someone who's smart but can be a goofball too. Someone who really enjoys music--maybe they can play an instrument, but honestly, just someone who will listen and enjoy a good CD. Someone who likes watching sports and can appreciate a girl who actually knows sports. Someone who doesn't really do the bar thing or the "get completely obliterated every weekend" thing. I don't require them to make a ton of money--a job would be great though! haha I love going to the movies and hanging out at home--veggin out on the couch watching TV/movies...sometimes I like to turn the music up really loud and dance around the house while I'm cleaning. I need someone who can appreciate that! And I know my definition of attractive is different from most people's so I won't actually consider this. Oh, but they do have to have nice arms. lol

So that's my list. Please be honest: Is all that too much to expect? Is there really such a thing as expecting too much? Is it possible to get all those things? Or am I setting myself up for failure?

The thing of it is...sometimes I'm scared it may not be I am expecting too much. It may actually be I'm not everything myself I want from someone else. And am I beyond the point of finding the right someone? 

Call me old fashioned. Call me a disgrace to the feminine movement. (Yes, someone really did say that to me once.) But I always thought I'd be married with kids by now. That was my goal in life. To find the person who would be the father to my kids. That was it. My whole life's purpose was wrapped up in this one statement. All my friends wanted the careers and the degrees and the big houses with nice cars. Not me. But somehow I see all my friends with the things I want and here I am with the things I never really desired.

I have two degrees: a Bachelor's from WKU and a Masters from FIU. I majored in Recreation. I worked and worked and worked those 6 years in college. I had the drive at the time; I had a goal and I set my mind to it and I accomplished it. But that goal...well it was a goal I knew I'd meet in a specific time frame and now I don't know what the next step is. I also don't know what happened along the way. When did I decide to put my life's dream on the back burner and go for these other dreams? And how did I justify that to myself? Did I listen to the advice of others and go for the things everyone was telling me I should want? Or was I scared to go after the things I really want because they didn't seem big enough or enough-enough? 

Rejection is a normal part of life. I know that. Hell, I've been rejected a few times. It's only really hurt once that I can think of off the top of my head. But recently I thought someone was worth getting to know. I went out on a limb and gave them my number even. Then had to find out from someone else that they already had a girlfriend. Now maybe that's not a "real rejection," but it was compounded with all the other crap going on so it felt like a terrible rejection. I think I'm over it but I'll let you know.

And the last stop off on my tangent-rant. Can someone ever have two consecutive "good" days? If so, why can't I? Why is it that I work long days and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything? Why is it I come home and feel like I can't find my niche? I want to share days and nights and events and adventures with someone, but don't you have to have days and nights and events and adventures worth sharing first?

Okay, pity party is over. Now it's the weekend and all I have to do is take it one day at a time. Find those silver linings and overlook those puddles. Dance in the rain and write my own story. And whatever other cliches you can think of!