Time to move on

"All good things must come to an end."

That's how the saying goes and it feels very true right now. 

Lately it seems like I haven't had the time to commit to this blog that I would have liked. And I think I know why: 

I think this blog has run its course and it is time for me to wrap things up here and move on to the next chapter in my life. 

This blog allowed me to write about the me I was over a year ago. I was single and looking for love. I was trying to find out who I really am. I was putting my foot in the online-dating-scene. I was testing all sorts of waters to see what worked for me.

I'm not that person anymore. 

I am very happy in my relationship. I have found the perfect person for me. He is someone who works to make me happy. He remembers all the little things I mention. He says and does things just to make me laugh or smile. When he hurts my feelings, he realizes it and immediately apologizes; because he never intentionally tries to hurt me. 

And then there's me in the relationship. I wake up every day at 4am just so I can spend time with him before he leaves for work at 5. I rush home from work to make sure dinner is ready because I like having a home cooked meal with him. I try to remember the things he likes and doesn't like. 

And now.... Now I have another chapter in my life. I am going to be a MOM! Even now, in my 3rd month, I can't really believe it. So yes: this blog where I wrote to figure out who I am was a vital part of the me before. Now though, I am ready for the next chapter. The next stage. 

So, if you feel like continuing to follow me on my new blog: dream2bamommy.blogspot.com. It will be where I keep track of all the moments of my pregnancy I want or need to remember. It will be where, once I have the baby, I track all those memories. 

Thank you for the past year. And welcome to my amazing new beginning!

Being Right

Many of you may or may not know that I am Irish-Italian (among other things, but those are the most prevalent). I'm extremely grateful for my heritages and what their past say about who I am as a person and what I am capable of. The strength, fortitude, and yes attitude of both ethnicities dramatically shape me. Whenever I question whether something is possible, I look to my past and draw from their experiences, their determination, and their accomplishments. I am the type which never wants to let anyone down; including those not with us anymore. Maybe those especially. 

That all being said, there is something else I need to add. Being Irish-Italian, to say I'm a little proud, a little opinionated, would definitely be a major understatement!! I've always been the first to say  "I'm Irish-Italian. I'll fight with myself. I don't need a reason to fight with you!" whenever I felt like someone was being ridiculous. I am well aware of the fact that I have a semi-short fuse. All these I know about myself and-truth be told-aren't things I'm overly concerned with changing about myself just yet. 

But then there's the other thing: I have a strong need to be right. A lot. Like, almost all the time. 

The thing is, I know this, too, about myself. I actively try to corner myself and consider what I am thinking or about to say before I open my mouth. And I try not to "talk out my ass" (as my daddy would say) and speak up only when I *KNOW* I'm right. I swear, I try!

Then there are days like today. Days that show me just how far I have to go to really achieve this goal I've set for myself. Today I felt so strongly that I was right. I picked at something I felt was worthy of picking on. I continued a discussion I felt still needed addressing.
Then something clicked. I looked at my boyfriend, at how tired he was from working so hard to provide for me, to make me happy, to be there whenever I needed him for whatever reason (whether he agreed or not) and I was ashamed of myself. It took really looking into his eyes to realize I was wrong. I was picking, not because I was right, but because I wanted to BE RIGHT. I continued a discussion which really should have ended and been done the second he said he was sorry.

So I told him that. I looked him directly in the eyes and said I was sorry. That I was wrong. That being stressed about working all the time and not seeing him much during the week and trying to get everything done for everyone else didn't justify my picking. That I was completely wrong for bringing up a subject he'd already apologized on just to make my point. I was wrong and I was sorry.

And I felt better. CRAZY I know!! But honestly, the need to always be right. To always have the answers is actually incredibly draining! 

When I was little I thought I knew a lot, but I also knew there was so much more to learn. I don't know when that changed for me, but I'm back there now. My dad's been telling me a lot lately that there's a fact:

• When you are little you only know so much, so "what you don't know that you don't know" is relatively small too. As you increase your knowledge, you also increase the area of "what you don't know that you don't know."

I've always nodded my head, addressed the logical sense to this statement. But I never applied it emotionally. Never applied it to myself. Until now. Until today.

Thank you babe, for showing me this aspect about myself. For not judging me or condemning me. For letting me see it in myself and work with me to fix it. For being the person you are, because that is someone I truly admire and respect. 

The "B-Word"

It's not what you think!!

I am soooo happy right now. Words are kind of a poor substitute when I think about trying to describe how happy I am. And it's nothing grandiose or "out of this world" or anything like that. It's a very simple thing:

I found someone I really like who likes me back!

Crazy how that works, huh? lol

This guy. Well I've known him almost two years now. He's a friend of a friend. We hung out a few times over the years but never really paid too much attention to each other. Okay, that's a lie. My jaw dropped when I first met him. I thought: "GAWD he's hott!" And he was helping my mom out without complaining or being forced to. So he was a generally good guy too. Holy mackerel, no way. But then I heard he had a girlfriend so I dropped it and never really thought about it again. Not really anyways. 

Fast forward to today. He's not with her anymore and suddenly things are looking good. I hang out with him a few times as friends. Nothing terrible, nothing romantic. Just friends with friends, hanging out, having fun. Being silly. But there's like this tangible "thing;" I can feel it. I didn't want to say anything because I was terrified I was wrong and he was just a cool guy who was nice to everyone. (Trust me, I've gotten it REALLY WRONG a few times. Enough to take a couple of steps back and really think about what I'm thinking I'm seeing.)

Welp...I wasn't wrong!! We've only been "talking" for a few days now but man do I like him. I first "date" was to work out together at the gym. I figured if he liked me in basic gym clothes and no make-up...and wouldn't try to show off to the point where I felt puny, then I'd give it a go. He did so much better than I was hoping for!! Later I made us pizza from scratch. We watched movies. Ate ice cream. Walked around a lake at night. (That's all the same day! lol)

Then we went to a movie together. We didn't want to leave each other's company so we went and got some food. And then, the next day, even though we were both so tired from working a 10 hour day, we still were willing to keep ourselves up and hang out and watch TV! Luckily we both came to our senses and realized we had to go to sleep; it was way more important than 30 minutes to an hour of hanging out. 

Tonight though. Tonight was a great night. Because tonight he said the "B-Word." I had vented to him about how crappy my day was. He had vented about his day. Amazingly enough, as bad as today was and as bad as I wanted to just call everyone out and be really mean about work; I didn't want to lay it out on his shoulders. As soon as I realized I *COULD* vent to someone who would honestly listen and was okay with that; well I didn't want to drag him down with it. Just knowing I could made me feel so much better. Then!! Then he casually asked if my dad would read him the riot act when I introduce my dad to my "boyfriend." Again....absolutely NOTHING over-the-top about it. It was natural and easy.

Signing off:

A very contented lady!

I ran a 5k!!

So the title basically gives away the topic of this blog. haha

Seriously though. When I started at the gym they had me list three goals I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year. 

#1: Weigh 135lbs by December. 

#2: Leg Press 300 lbs. 

#3: Run a 5K. 

About a month after I made those goals, I accomplished #2. I actually far surpassed it: I leg pressed 360lbs! And not just once, but 20 times! Yay, go me! 

Then it was time to really start training for a 5K. I am working with a trainer at least once a week to have my rear end handed to me. Then I take what he gives me and combine it with the machines or weight routines I already know, and do those for the next week. The next Monday, we start all over again! He has me doing this thing called Tabata Training. It's where you go as hard as you can for 20 seconds, as light as you can for 10 seconds, repeat as many times as you can. This is great for lots of reasons. One is because it breaks up your cardio into manageable increments--and it seems like the time you spent flew by! 

The other is because it seriously works! haha Basically what happens is your muscles work as hard as they can for 20 seconds. Then they think they are getting a break so they rest. Then they're shocked into working super hard again. This helps build your muscles a lot faster.

I've been doing this for over 2 months now. And about a month before my 5K, I did a "practice" one on the treadmill. I was really proud that I completed it in: 45:46. Considering I had never run more than a mile before, that was awesome for me. I was also about 12lbs heavier than I am now.

So Saturday morning is the day of my race. I woke up early. Ate some oatmeal. Checked my playlist. And went. I didn't have a time I "had to finish the race by." I didn't see the point in trying to break two goals. (Goal #1 being me actually running the race.) I had an hour's worth of music on my playlist, so I guess I was hoping to finish before the playlist repeated itself. 

Well I did. I finished it in 38:10!! Talk about excited! I beat my time by 7 minutes and 36 seconds! That's incredible to me! And to think I was just ecstatic about my 45:46. haha That's when I had the brief moment of feeling a little down. I started thinking about just how out of shape I was (aka how fat I was) and how far I let myself go. It was a dark cloud.

But then I stopped myself. I wasn't going to let the past ruin my present or future. Because, if you think about it: You have to come from somewhere. You have to work for these moments of accomplishments. The saying is "Accomplish Greatness" because accomplishments can only be attained when there was a lower point from which you began. Instead of being upset at where I was, I am taking pride in where I am. I am also striving to better myself even more.

Which is why I'm wrapping this up now and heading to the gym. :)

Just Because

Remember when you were a kid and would ask your parents a question: Why can't I have another ice cream? Why do I have to go to bed NOW? Why is the sky blue?... And every time you got the same response: "Because." Ugh that was the worst. I hated that response. I was the kid who had to have all the answers all the time. (Looking back, I can see that it was probably pretty annoying. lol)

But now, I'm grown up (well, growing up at least) and I am beginning to see the reasoning behind it. 

Is "Because" ever enough of a reason to do something? Yes. Yes it is. I have a very personal case in point. I recently decided to pursue a career with the US Air Force. I have a lot of reasons why it is a good idea--which I'll explain in a bit--but it basically boils down to: Because.

Tonight I broke the news to my mom. And she cried, of course. But she also asked me what my reasons were for considering this. I had a whole list of them. They were:

1. Travel: I am finding out more and more that being stationary with no hope of ever moving forward or around is not something I am very good at. I have to know I will be visiting different areas, seeing different sights, learning different things. I have to know where I am now is not where I will be in 5, 10, 15 years down the road. I grew up complaining about how many times I moved around...but the truth is that's the life I know. That's the life I'm comfortable with. That's the life that makes sense to me. The life that makes me feel EVERYTHING! I need that future to be full of sights and sounds, tastes and textures I haven't already experienced.
2. Financials: There are a few things I have learned in all the research I have done relating to the financial aspect. The Air Force will help me with my student loans. They will offer me a place to live where-ever I'm stationed. There's not a need for a huge wardrobe. The pay is more than I am making now...and more than I can hope to make at the office I'm in now. Financially speaking this would be great opportunity for me.
3. Career path: Where I work now... I just can't see myself still there in 5 years. Not because it's a bad place or anything like that. It's more like there's no where else for me to go with the company. It's a dental office and I have no dreams of becoming a dentist or a dental hygienist or even a more expansive assistant. I do ortho assisting 1 and 1/2 days a week. The other days I am calling insurance companies, sending claims, closing insurance payments, scheduling... When I think about it, I know how lucky I am to be able to do so much. But this is all there is for me there. With the Air Force I can be proud of the work that I will be doing. It will be for a cause greater than the almighty dollar. There are opportunities to use my degree(s) again which will be nice.
4. Speaking of pride...I need something about myself to be proud of. I know the person I am now is not all I can be. I know there's something more, bigger, greater which I am supposed to look for, to do. 
5. And finally--Family Tradition. My family is very military proud. My Uncle Bill was in the ARMY. My Uncle Tom was a Marine. I just found out my Uncle Punkin was Air Force (I thought he was ARMY). My Uncle Timmy was injured during basic and so he never fulfilled his dream but he tried. My mom, my dad, and my Uncle Sam were all ARMY too. When I was in college I took Military Leadership courses, studied MWR... I knew I wanted to be involved with the military, but I assumed it would be more in the civilian aspects. Now though, I know that wouldn't be enough for me. I NEED to serve my country. I NEED to continue the family tradition of being in the military and do it in my own way. 

My baby sister made an excellent  point tonight: I was groomed to be in the military. Every choice I've made has led me to this point. Being in the military will be a lot like being a referee. The uniform. The camaraderie. The singular focus of accomplishing one goal. The brotherhood which forms when you go through those experiences together...things no one will ever understand because they weren't there. My relationships with the guys I reffed football with are some of my strongest bonds. I know being Air Force will allow me to create more bonds just as strong. I'm looking forward to it.

When anyone in the future asks me why I think it's a good idea to join, I'll have the above list to make my case. But in the end it boils down to one reason, one word: BECAUSE.

The faith I have in the military, in my potential role in it, is something that can't be explained or justified. It's like believing in God. There are definitely sound reasons to believe, there's even proof should you need it. But ultimately, there's only one word that will encompass everything you're feeling and thinking and wanting and doing. One word will let everyone know this is your choice and no one else's. One word will define all the moments in your life leading up to this better than a Faulkner novel.

BECAUSE!

Positive affirmations to myself

People are always saying you should be happy in your own skin. You should be okay with the way you are because God made you that way. You should...you should...you should. Well BOLLOCKS to that!! I'm here to say "never except what you are given is all you have."

Okay, before I get a ton of people (all three of you who read this) sending me mean emails..just think about it: What you are given should be the starting point, the jumping off point to where you go. Now, I'm not trying to be weird or condone crazy antics (ahem: Heidi whats-her-face). I'm saying that just because you find yourself in a certain look, doesn't mean you have to feel stuck to it. 

So everyone feels better, I'll lay out some of my "issues." First, I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall, so if I put on even 5 pounds, you can tell. Given that on March 1st I was weighing in close to 170 (yes you read that right) pounds, eh...that's not so great. And no, I didn't "Love myself" then. I was ashamed I had let myself get to that point. It'd be one thing if I was always bigger, or if I could attribute that to muscle..or being pregnant. But no. I was just using my braces as a way to eat crap food. And it showed. Granted, I couldn't eat a lot of healthy things like carrots or even those protein bars when I had braces, so that didn't help. But still I made some poor choices in my diet and then followed it up with no exercise. All my fault. So now I'm fixing it. I've gotten to where I work out almost 5 times a week for at least half an hour (usually closer to an hour!!). And the difference is really starting to show. In my face--literally and figuratively. My face is usually the first place to slim down anyways, but now that I'm having more salads and water it's breaking out less and feels smoother. I haven't really changed my make-up routine so it's gotta be the diet/exercise. 

For those people who say it's easy to lose weight--let me tell you how WRONG they are! I have worked my rear end off for almost 2 months and I think I may have lost 4 pounds. But I'm totally okay because I know I am doing this in a healthy way. I'm not pounding pills. I'm not sustaining on liquid meals. I'm definitely not starving myself or purging. Do I cheat? Yep. I try not to have sodas because even I know how terrible they are for you. So I can get through an entire work week and be ok, But come Friday afternoon, suddenly I'm CRAVING a coca-cola! Who knows why. But guess what I found: You can go to Target or Wal-Mart and get sparkling water for like 74cents and it can taste soooo good. I'm lovin Pomegranate/Cherry from Target right now. I didn't even have a soda this weekend at all! I did have a small bit of ice cream so I can't say it was a perfect weekend, but that's so not necessary. Every day...every meal can be a victory. Work on replacing one "bad thing" on your plate for something better. When I first started, I would still eat at the Popeye's next to my work, but I choose mashed potatoes instead of fries. Now I bring my lunch most days and I can't even stand the smell of the fried food. It took me almost a month of weaning though to get there. Give it time!!


Second: I am the ULTIMATE GEEK!! At least it feels like it sometimes. I mean: I have bad eyesight, I break out sometimes, I wore braces, I'm short, I guess I'd say I'm "smart," and I really don't have that hourglass figure like I'd want. (I'm still trying to shape it! lol) But I am learning to address these things and work with (or around) them. 

• I usually wear contacts, but I have found some cute glasses I like to wear. They are more funky than the ones I grew up wearing, so I feel fun and hip and cool and QUIRKY (not dorky) when I wear them. 
• Break outs just generally suck. Eh I can't fix that. But I stopped trying to cake on the make-up because it only made them worse. Now I buy GOOD face cleansers (you get what you pay for, right?) and make-up that draws attention where I want it. I've learned how to apply make-up so I don't feel under- or over-done. 
• I just got my braces off today so that one thing right there made me feel 100 times cuter! (Hey I'll admit it: I'm a little vain/proud!) I can tell I walk straighter and smile more and they've only been off for about 12 hours! lol 
• Can't fix my height so I embrace it. I actually don't wear heels that often. 1) Because they are the devil! Totally uncomfortable. and 2) Because wearing heels to me is kind of like wearing 2 padded bras: People know what's going on and you just end up looking stupid! Flats can be cute and comfy and complete the outfit just as well.
• I like that I'm generally smart. I know the areas that I have more knowledge in and am able to see where I can learn from others. Plus, I just generally like to learn things. This is something about myself that I have always known and learned early on that someone somewhere will appreciate it. Until then...
• I mentioned my weight before, so I'm not going to harp on that. I just know that the goal isn't to be "small," it's to be STRONG.

Third--and final for tonight--I always compare myself to those around and sometimes find I'm not where I think I should be. I mean, I have a lot of friends with kids and that's something I've always wanted. Even my younger sisters are closer to the marriage and baby thing than I seem to be right now...So I could feel like a failure because I don't have that yet. But I try really hard not to. I have to remind myself that I made a choice to continue my education and move around a lot. Those things made it difficult to "settle." It's actually oxymoronic if you think about it: you can't settle if you're constantly moving, right? So there you go. You can't regret the things you did because of the things you wish you had now. You have to be okay with what's in front of you and work on achieving those next steps.

Ultimately, yes, you have to be okay with the core you. I have to be okay with the fact I am full of random and mostly useless knowledge. I have to be okay with the fact I have bad eyes. I have to be okay with the fact I will always be shorter than almost every person I meet. I CANNOT change these things. But the things I don't like and can change: Well now I am actively working on changing every single one of them. No surgeries. No implants or suctions or drains...nothing weird or crazy. Just healthy living and healthy choices.

Final food for thought:

God gave us sand and water, but it takes some work to make a beautiful sand castle, right?

Guilty Pleasures

Do you ever feel guilty about being really happy or excited about something? That's kind of what I'm going through right now.

Recently I made a decision that is going to DRASTICALLY change my life. The thing of it is: I'm not 100% ready to share all the details yet. So I'm working towards this goal that only a handful of people know about (try 3 people!). The issue really is: Those who are close to me and don't know my goal, well they keep trying to make plans for my future.

Plans I just won't be able to see through if I'm able to do this one thing I want to do.

I feel so guilty about this! I mean, my mom was recently talking about eventually, when I buy a house... Well the problem with that is, my goal really won't allow this. But I can't tell her that. Because then I have to go and explain everything.

And I'm not ready for that.

And she's also really excited about helping me plan that day and I don't want to take that away from her yet.

I've made some mistakes in my life. Choices which will make achieving my goal *that much more* difficult. But there's hope. The people who do know about what I'm trying to do and what I'm working towards, well they are really encouraging. In order to pursue this dream, I have to be healthier. I have to be in better shape. Have to.

So I'm working out more now. I'm setting all these little goals for myself. And I'm actually achieving them! Like: I wanted to run a 5K in less than 48 minutes (that would be a little less than a 16minute mile). Well I think I did it in like 46:46. Goal met.

Then there was the goal of running a 15 minute mile. Well that too has been accomplished. 

And then today I did something I honestly didn't think I would get to for another 3 weeks or so. I wanted to be able to run 1.5 miles in 16 minutes flat. Today I ran it in 15:45. I actually beat my previous best time by an incredible 30 whole seconds! It made my day! I also managed to wake up at 6am and be at the gym by 6:30 which I haven't been able to force myself to do yet. Two milestones in a single day! WOW!

Now comes the part I'm really dreading. I have to lose some SERIOUS WEIGHT. I think it's in the ball park of 15-20 pounds. I don't know how long I have to lose it, but we'll say 4 weeks. 6 maybe? Working out is getting me in shape and I feel amazing, but the weight's not dropping like I really need it to. So I'm going to breakdown and implement the "diet" portion of the recommended "diet and exercise" shpiel. Ugh.

Food is such a weakness of mine. I get these serious cravings for something and it's usually just because that "something" isn't in the house. How do you re-train your brain to recognize that you really aren't hungry; you're just bored. Or: you don't really want that Grilled Cheese from Steak N Shake; you just want something that isn't here. 

So those are my issues right now:

1) How do you prepare yourself mentally for a major life shift when you can't share your concerns with those around you?

2) What should be my next FEASIBLE and MEASUREABLE goal physically?

3) How do you lose weight in a healthy way without feeling depressed because you're eating boiled chicken and rice again?!?!? Ugh. 

Don't get "fat." Stay active. It's so much easier to stay active than to get active. So much easier to maintain your weight than to lose it. :-/

G'night guys!

Let's see who reads this...

Everything I do has a purpose behind it. Every decision I make is the right one for me. If even just for the moment I am living in, I make the choice I feel will be the best for me. Some people I know tell me to "pray on it." Some tell me to weigh the pro's and con's. I can totally appreciate that this is the way they need to look at big life decisions in order to feel comfortable with their choices. I totally support it.

That being said: I do things a little different. Yes I weigh pros and cons. BUT I don't look at them too long. I approach any decision I have to make like it's a question on the ACT/SAT. I look at it once, give it the attention it needs, answer it, and move on. I never go back and second guess myself. I also tend to make my decisions immediately and instantaneously.

It's been that way my whole life. Even when I was little I would do that. In middle school I would put together speeches for competitions with maybe a day or two to write and learn them. I even signed up for the Children's Classic in 6th grade with about 10 minutes to prep. Then, as I grew up  and the choices became a little more dramatic and indicative of where my life would eventually lead and end up, well the process I took stayed the same. I knew I wasn't an athlete so I joined the newspaper and yearbook staff. Went to undergrad to study that, but there was a pivotal moment when we had to write a paper on why we wanted to be in photojournalism and I just realized I didn't want to anymore. I realized that I loved my job more than my degree: I would work my shifts, pick up more shifts, hang out at the fields before and after...even my closest friends were those I made at my job. In the few hours after I was assigned the paper, I walked up to the Recreation Department Head and told him I wanted to change my major. Just like that!

I took every job I've ever had with no more than a few hours consideration. And now it may be time to do it again. I know where I am now is not where I plan to be when I retire. It's a great job, but I feel like there's something...something missing. In every other job there was a camaraderie. A sense that we were all on the same team, trying to achieve the same goal. We wanted the best for everyone. At the place I work now, there's a sense of competition: trying to get YOUR doctor's schedule filled. Trying to get YOUR claims sent out before everyone else. Trying to collect more money than anyone else. All these things are necessary; I understand that. But I really miss what I used to have.

So now I'm taking steps to achieve the next goal I've set for myself. I'm making sure I get and stay healthy. I'm working out. I'm eating better (I haven't hit up the Popeye's next to my office for food in like two whole weeks!). I'm talking to people in the field I want to get into. I'm TRYING to get my foot in the door.

I'm not going to say anything too specific because there's still just so much on my plate to get in order before I can even truly and honestly think about it, but I'm very proud of the choices I've already made. Let's just end with this: Pride and Honor are the most important things to me. Where-ever I end up, I will make sure I abide by those.

Self Pity

I hate when people expect others to listen to every little thing they have to--or want to--say. When those people think their every thought is so vitally important to everyone else's existence to deny them the opportunity to hear these thoughts seems unthinkable. That being said: I'm going to do a little bit of a self-pity rant. Here's your forewarning...

I'm not that old. 26 is not that old! I know age is "mind over matter" and "relative" and all that jazz. I know a five year old thinks 30 is ancient and a 25 year old thinks 30 is still really young. I get all that. But why, oh why, do I feel like maybe I'm past my sell by date? haha In a serious note though, sometimes I wonder what it is about me that leaves me single at 26. Why is it so hard to find a good someone? 

I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. But maybe you can let me know: I want someone who's smart but can be a goofball too. Someone who really enjoys music--maybe they can play an instrument, but honestly, just someone who will listen and enjoy a good CD. Someone who likes watching sports and can appreciate a girl who actually knows sports. Someone who doesn't really do the bar thing or the "get completely obliterated every weekend" thing. I don't require them to make a ton of money--a job would be great though! haha I love going to the movies and hanging out at home--veggin out on the couch watching TV/movies...sometimes I like to turn the music up really loud and dance around the house while I'm cleaning. I need someone who can appreciate that! And I know my definition of attractive is different from most people's so I won't actually consider this. Oh, but they do have to have nice arms. lol

So that's my list. Please be honest: Is all that too much to expect? Is there really such a thing as expecting too much? Is it possible to get all those things? Or am I setting myself up for failure?

The thing of it is...sometimes I'm scared it may not be I am expecting too much. It may actually be I'm not everything myself I want from someone else. And am I beyond the point of finding the right someone? 

Call me old fashioned. Call me a disgrace to the feminine movement. (Yes, someone really did say that to me once.) But I always thought I'd be married with kids by now. That was my goal in life. To find the person who would be the father to my kids. That was it. My whole life's purpose was wrapped up in this one statement. All my friends wanted the careers and the degrees and the big houses with nice cars. Not me. But somehow I see all my friends with the things I want and here I am with the things I never really desired.

I have two degrees: a Bachelor's from WKU and a Masters from FIU. I majored in Recreation. I worked and worked and worked those 6 years in college. I had the drive at the time; I had a goal and I set my mind to it and I accomplished it. But that goal...well it was a goal I knew I'd meet in a specific time frame and now I don't know what the next step is. I also don't know what happened along the way. When did I decide to put my life's dream on the back burner and go for these other dreams? And how did I justify that to myself? Did I listen to the advice of others and go for the things everyone was telling me I should want? Or was I scared to go after the things I really want because they didn't seem big enough or enough-enough? 

Rejection is a normal part of life. I know that. Hell, I've been rejected a few times. It's only really hurt once that I can think of off the top of my head. But recently I thought someone was worth getting to know. I went out on a limb and gave them my number even. Then had to find out from someone else that they already had a girlfriend. Now maybe that's not a "real rejection," but it was compounded with all the other crap going on so it felt like a terrible rejection. I think I'm over it but I'll let you know.

And the last stop off on my tangent-rant. Can someone ever have two consecutive "good" days? If so, why can't I? Why is it that I work long days and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything? Why is it I come home and feel like I can't find my niche? I want to share days and nights and events and adventures with someone, but don't you have to have days and nights and events and adventures worth sharing first?

Okay, pity party is over. Now it's the weekend and all I have to do is take it one day at a time. Find those silver linings and overlook those puddles. Dance in the rain and write my own story. And whatever other cliches you can think of!

Going from "To Do" to "To Done"

I make a lot of lists. I make lists of things I need to buy. Things I need to make. Places I need to be. Movies I want to see; others I want to buy. Events I need to go to. And things I need to do. Yep, I make a lot of To Do Lists. I also have slight OCD; enough so that I hate having things crossed off my list because it makes it "messy." I'd rather rewrite the entire list and re-organize things. It's frustrating because my OCD makes me feel like I *HAVE* to rewrite the list, but the good thing is I tend to remember everything I need to do. The more often I write my lists, the more likely I am to remember even the most minute "to do."

The thing about making lists, well they are almost like the Lernaean Hydra from Hercules. Every time you knock one out, cross one off, etc; you end up adding like eight or nine more. It's a never ending cycle! Doesn't it make you want to pull your hair out? You sit there and think you're making progress when all of a sudden WHAM! You have an almost entirely new list of things to do. Urgh so frustrating. 

The question then becomes: Do you knock out the little things on your list? Do you take care of nearly 75% of the list just by doing the simple things? That's a real sense of accomplishment, I know. Suddenly you go from having 10 things to maybe 3. Wow, feels good right? And it didn't take that long either. Oh but then there's the downfall. The fact is those 3 things you have left are large projects. So large, in fact, that completing even one of them would take the same amount of time as completing the seven others put together. So then what?

So I ask the question again: Which do you do first? Me, I like to get the small ones out of the way. I like knowing I actually accomplished something. So even if I end up having a ton of work still left to do, I feel good. I think that's a big part of the lists. Every time something is added, you feel like you've sort of failed because you're that much farther away from your goal again. 

My To Do list this weekend? (In NO particular order): Edit video I shot at my aunt's wedding to make her a DVD; take pictures of the books I've read to update the ones on my hubs; reorganize my DVDs with the new ones I've bought recently; make a baby basket for a friend's baby shower with handmade gifts (blanket, personalized chalkboard, and baby hair project); make more personalized chalkboards for some of my god-babies; transfer my recipes from my computer to a recipe book and organize it; laundry; and do my scrapbook for 2011. 

What have I gotten done? Edited the footage and made 10 copies, plus put it on youtube; reogranized my DVDs; made the baby basket with the blanket and the baby hair tie project, 4 chalkboards, and another baby project; laundry; finishing up the photos for HubPages; and now actively working on the recipe book now. 

So I've done almost everything (or at least started almost everything). Except the scrapbook. And that I think I'll wait on working on. It's something I set aside and look forward to working on every weekend but never seem to get around to working on. And that's okay because that scrapbook is way too important to just throw together just so I can say it's off my list. 

And I'm totally okay with that.

When the going gets tough...

With the good comes the bad. Life is about balance, right? Well I had an amazing time at my aunt's wedding this weekend. It was beautiful and fun and low-key... It made me realize I don't want a church wedding. I don't need one. If God and Love can be found anywhere, then I want to be married in a place that means something to ME and to the relationship I'm in. A church can't offer me that, I don't think.  Okay, off the soapbox now.

So back to my blog. I get back from Kentucky and I don't feel 100%. Then, on Tuesday I feel like I'm working on level 2 instead of the necessary level 7. Tuesdays are "Ortho-days" and it's just me and one other assistant working 5 chairs of patients for 3 hours. That may not mean a lot to most people, but anyone in the dental field can appreciate how difficult that is. So imagine running on 1 cylinder vs 4. It was rough. I get home, go to bed...only to wake up Wednesday with NO VOICE! I felt slightly better than I did Tuesday, but my throat felt like... Well imagine if you will when a cat gets a hold of a toilet paper roll still on the holder. Yeah that's what my throat felt like. Finally, after lunch it started to feel better.

Go to today. I had made it up to level 4, maybe. Voice was back, somewhat. Then I go get a filling done. Apparently at nearly 27 years old, my mouth's the same size as a 5 year old! lol It's no wonder I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted: there's absolutely NO ROOM for any more teeth! Which seems like an okay thing until your dentist slices your cheek/gums because of how little room there is. So now I still have a sore throat and a cut/bruised gum. Oh, and my phone has decided it does what it wants. My best friend called me twice and instead of indicating I had a voicemail, I accidentally found them.

To counteract the crudiness of the past four days I decided to make a list of all the blessings I have coming up. 

• The SuperBowl is in 2 days. I don't have a team in the game, but that just means I can get to truly enjoy the game. It'll be just like when I officiated: I'll watch the game and watch the officials. I am actually looking forward to making the square bets and eating fun finger foods.
  
• My co-worker is having a baby shower on the 10th. It's her first baby and I can't wait to work on another baby basket! She's having a little girl and you know there's just so much fun stuff to make or buy or get for little girls!
• Oh and on the same day as the baby shower, the movie "The Vow" comes out. Hmmm Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams. That's gonna be a great way to spend my evening! My sisters and I have a tradition: Every year, for each of our birthdays, we go to see a movie together. We've been doing this since I was  13. This year though, we're going to one of those CineBistros where you get gourmet food, reclining chairs, blankets, pillows... Ahhh I can feel the relaxation already!
• The day after, I get to go to a good friend's wedding. It'll be the third one in 4 weeks. That's a LOT of I Do's, but honestly, I can't be happier for each of them. To find true happiness and contentment, well I guess we could all use more examples of that. Even if they do come at us full steam in the middle of winter, when NO ONE is looking the best or in their best shape!! LOL
• The weekend after that, well that's when I get to go see my best friend and her three little girls. I can't believe how long it's been since I saw my friend. I can't wait to see how big the girls are; I've never even seen the baby who's almost 2 now. 
• The weekend after that my stepbrothers and stepsister are coming into town for a few days. I don't think they have a "legit" reason, but they just want to make a trip and hang out. I didn't get to hang out with them too much when I was younger. Nowadays though, we get to hang out and party like big kids. There's none of the friction that comes with being younger and wanting to be the center of your parents' attention. It's a lot more fun when you can be friends with your siblings.
• Oh and I've started a countdown until Hunger Games the movie comes out. I've got the newest poster as the background on my phone. I've got Katniss on my computer. I've been watching the previews.... I can't believe it's only a few weeks away!

So there we  go. There's my list of the immediately upcoming gifts. The joys I'll be focusing on when things are frustrating and difficult. When I feel like I want to curl up and take a nap. When I can't seem to get it right and just want a break from the stress of it all. There's my plan for ya!

Weightloss: A Mental Mindfield!

Recently I've been trying to get into shape. I mean I have like SIX WEDDINGS coming up this year. I do not want to be a big 'ole blimp for any of these! haha 

I know a lot of people who participate in some kind of "diet" or "plan" or whatever. There are all kinds of ads out there for Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem...then there's the ads for the power shakes, the 90-day shakes, the pre-packaged meals. Add in the plethora diet pills...And have you ever noticed just how many books are out there teaching us how to be healthy or how many cookbooks are now health-oriented. Oh and all those workout/boot camp/dance your butt off DVDS out there!! ..UGH there's just so many things dedicated to getting thin QUICK. I wish I could buy into it. But I spent so many years studying Recreation. I worked in gyms for most of my adult life. I lived with my good friend who majored in Fitness studies and ran the fitness/exercise programs at the gym. I just CANNOT make myself forget everything I learned and become "one of those people." I don't think completely foregoing carbs is healthy. I don't want to become obsessive about counting calories. I definitely couldn't handle someone handing me a prepackaged meal for the rest of my days!! Sometimes I think I could, even wish I could, because that would make things easier, but man would it get old! lol

So, knowing that this is the year of "special events," I decided I would try to eat healthier, exercise more (okay: AT ALL! lol), and just take better care of myself. I basically stopped drinking sodas--I've had maybe 5 in the last 4 weeks or so, which is amazing for me because I could drink like a 2 litre a day! I've realized I actually PREFER getting a large unsweet tea with a lot of ice and adding just one sweetner packet. It's refreshing, I don't feel bloated afterwards, and it's somewhat healthy. I hear it has a whole bunch of something or other that's "good for you." Last time I gave up pop, I was able to lose like 5 pounds. It looked promising.

I just started working longer hours at the dental office, so I haven't been able to really get into my work out phase. I mean, I work from 9am to 8pm four days a week; then I'm at the other office by 8am on Friday and Saturday for a couple of hours. I'm drained at the end of the day, and there's almost no way for me to get up any earlier, so you know I haven't been exercising.

After a few weeks of this I'm exhausted. The extra money would be nice, but I don't think I can keep up this pace. Oh and I haven't lost even one pound!! So frustrating!! And it's this vicious cycle too. I mean, I started with this mindset because I wasn't 100% happy with how I looked. Then I get stressed because of work and not losing any weight. And when I'm stressed I don't tend to eat the best. Oh and I hold onto weight more when I'm stressed. So here I am, stressed because I want to lose weight, and I can't lose weight because I'm stressed!! 

My question now, I guess, is this: How can I make these life changes in my diet (knowing I still have an unknown amount of time where I have to wear braces) and exercise, work enough to pay my bills, and still be able to go out and enjoy life with my friends? How can I balance all these with the stress of not being where I want to be physically, the stress of my job, the stress of family and friends--because, let's face it, no one stresses you out more than those you care about!--and the stress of being stressed?!?!?

Answers? Anyone? This is not a rhetorical question here: I need help!! :)