Many of you may or may not know that I am Irish-Italian (among other things, but those are the most prevalent). I'm extremely grateful for my heritages and what their past say about who I am as a person and what I am capable of. The strength, fortitude, and yes attitude of both ethnicities dramatically shape me. Whenever I question whether something is possible, I look to my past and draw from their experiences, their determination, and their accomplishments. I am the type which never wants to let anyone down; including those not with us anymore. Maybe those especially.
That all being said, there is something else I need to add. Being Irish-Italian, to say I'm a little proud, a little opinionated, would definitely be a major understatement!! I've always been the first to say "I'm Irish-Italian. I'll fight with myself. I don't need a reason to fight with you!" whenever I felt like someone was being ridiculous. I am well aware of the fact that I have a semi-short fuse. All these I know about myself and-truth be told-aren't things I'm overly concerned with changing about myself just yet.
But then there's the other thing: I have a strong need to be right. A lot. Like, almost all the time.
The thing is, I know this, too, about myself. I actively try to corner myself and consider what I am thinking or about to say before I open my mouth. And I try not to "talk out my ass" (as my daddy would say) and speak up only when I *KNOW* I'm right. I swear, I try!
Then there are days like today. Days that show me just how far I have to go to really achieve this goal I've set for myself. Today I felt so strongly that I was right. I picked at something I felt was worthy of picking on. I continued a discussion I felt still needed addressing.
Then something clicked. I looked at my boyfriend, at how tired he was from working so hard to provide for me, to make me happy, to be there whenever I needed him for whatever reason (whether he agreed or not) and I was ashamed of myself. It took really looking into his eyes to realize I was wrong. I was picking, not because I was right, but because I wanted to BE RIGHT. I continued a discussion which really should have ended and been done the second he said he was sorry.
Then something clicked. I looked at my boyfriend, at how tired he was from working so hard to provide for me, to make me happy, to be there whenever I needed him for whatever reason (whether he agreed or not) and I was ashamed of myself. It took really looking into his eyes to realize I was wrong. I was picking, not because I was right, but because I wanted to BE RIGHT. I continued a discussion which really should have ended and been done the second he said he was sorry.
So I told him that. I looked him directly in the eyes and said I was sorry. That I was wrong. That being stressed about working all the time and not seeing him much during the week and trying to get everything done for everyone else didn't justify my picking. That I was completely wrong for bringing up a subject he'd already apologized on just to make my point. I was wrong and I was sorry.
And I felt better. CRAZY I know!! But honestly, the need to always be right. To always have the answers is actually incredibly draining!
When I was little I thought I knew a lot, but I also knew there was so much more to learn. I don't know when that changed for me, but I'm back there now. My dad's been telling me a lot lately that there's a fact:
- When you are little you only know so much, so "what you don't know that you don't know" is relatively small too. As you increase your knowledge, you also increase the area of "what you don't know that you don't know."
Thank you babe, for showing me this aspect about myself. For not judging me or condemning me. For letting me see it in myself and work with me to fix it. For being the person you are, because that is someone I truly admire and respect.
