I am always thinking about love. What can I say?: I group up in the South, surrounded by Disney movies! My favorite book and movie *STILL* is Beauty and the Beast. There really wasn't any hope of me not being in love with love. :)
Now, I know I'm only 26. To some that's young; to others it's old. It's both to me too. I have so many friends who are married or engaged and most of them have babies (another thing I want most in the world). Even my sisters have mini-families that bring them so much love. My younger sister has been with her boyfriend closing in on 5 years now and they have 2 puppies and a beautiful home. They have a real relationship too with the little fights and the big fights...but also the hugs and the kisses and the small gestures that make people really happy. When I see her and her happiness, especially, I feel very old because I don't have that. That kind of love and commitment keeps people young, I think.
There are moments you realize--looking back--that changed who you are completely. I know the first of those moments. I was a Junior in high school and really liked this guy. He was almost everything on my "checklist" but then, those things he wasn't I really didn't have marked as important (he had blonde hair and I tended to lean more towards dark hair, sort of thing). He was smart and funny and kind. So kind. He played baseball which has *ALWAYS* been a weakness of mine. And he liked me. Now, it's very rare-for me-to like a guy and him like me back. I think a lot of people, if they are honest with themselves will find this to be true, unless you are one of the lucky ones who doesn't have this problem. In which case :-P to you! lol
Wanna know what I did with this amazing person, this amazing potential relationship? I ran. I was so scared that I pushed him away. I always claimed it was because there was a 3rd party who made our lives fairly difficult if he and I became closer and I just didn't want to deal with that. The fact is, I was a chicken and didn't feel like I was good enough.
Over the years I have thought about this person randomly. People will ask me about graduation or prom or whatever and I always think back to this person. I didn't go to prom with them, but ended up going with a friend...and eventually dealing with Mr. 3rd party. I did go to his graduation and took a picture with him, which I still have to this day....and he came to mine! When people ask me now what my ideal guy is, I tend to list all the amazing traits this person had. Maybe he still does, I don't know. I didn't talk to him for years. Just lost touch. It's so sad to think of all that wasted time. Time when what could have made me happier and better was right there but fear and self-doubt kept me from going for it.
Looking back on it, it seems simple. Even now people say I should just tell him how I felt and still feel. Because, honestly, it's still there for me. The fact that I have a picture that is nearly 10 years old says something in and of itself. The fact that I bring up anecdotes concerning him still says something. The fact that I won't tell him because he's in a relationship with someone else should say something too. I just hope it's not that I'm chicken---- again.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Happiness
I just finished reading the book The Happiness Project and it's already had an amazing impact on me. It's got me wanting to hold my book out and offer it to everyone! haha
One of the things I realized is just how simple it is to overlook little joys. For example:
--I have been craving Tuna Fish sandwiches for a week now. I don't like fish really, but it just sounded so good and it's something I can eat that is filling and healthy. (I got braces almost 6 months ago and it's becoming harder actually to find good and healthy food that won't break a bracket.) I hadn't said anything to my mom about it, but we were down to 1 can of tuna fish and I didn't want to be the person who took the last can. I hate being that person on anything; so I was waiting until next week when I could get to the store and buy some. Well, yesterday I came home and there were 5 or 6 cans of tuna!! I was ecstatic! Seriously, deliriously happy about such a small thing: Not only did I now have tuna, but my mom had bought it without realizing just how much I wanted it. It made me feel loved and appreciated and thought of, even if she didn't buy them for me. It didn't matter.
--I'm grateful for the skill I learned my senior year of high school: I can skim read and still comprehend. This is actually a really important skill to have I've learned. I used it most recently with this book. I was over halfway through it when I realized that I needed to go back and highlight sections; there was just too much information I needed to be able to get at later on. So, with my skill, I went back to page 1 and skim-read to get my information. I'm able to read just a few words within each paragraph on the page and remember what I need to know for that whole thing. It doesn't have to be the first few words or the last few words or even words side-by-side. Just any random few words and I'm good. That saved me at least another 3 days of reading.
--I love (and hate) that I make lists all the time. Positives are that it helps me remember everything I have to do, it keeps my thoughts organized, the information is *ALWAYS* available since I'm likely to have a list someplace around me at any given point, and it's a great memory exercise. Since my family has a history of Alzheimer's Dementia, I actively try to engage my mind; exercises like this are supposed to delay the symptoms should I ever have this disease. All major pluses.
--The negatives?: It's an actual constant *NEED* to do these lists. I don't like have check marks or items marked through on my list, so I will make a new one; this often leads me to feel like I haven't accomplished anything since I can't see physical evidence of a completed task, but my OCD just won't let me have those "dirty lists." And I don't always make them efficient. I know it's better to group things in sensible ways so you can maximize efficiency but I don't do that. I just write as I remember and then I end up skipping around and making a mess of my list and I can't have that. (See IMMEDIATE PREVIOUS POINT!! LOL)
To quote my hubpages post (Which I think you guys should check out: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Happiness-Project-Wonders):
In the end I know what makes me happy:
One of the things I realized is just how simple it is to overlook little joys. For example:
--I have been craving Tuna Fish sandwiches for a week now. I don't like fish really, but it just sounded so good and it's something I can eat that is filling and healthy. (I got braces almost 6 months ago and it's becoming harder actually to find good and healthy food that won't break a bracket.) I hadn't said anything to my mom about it, but we were down to 1 can of tuna fish and I didn't want to be the person who took the last can. I hate being that person on anything; so I was waiting until next week when I could get to the store and buy some. Well, yesterday I came home and there were 5 or 6 cans of tuna!! I was ecstatic! Seriously, deliriously happy about such a small thing: Not only did I now have tuna, but my mom had bought it without realizing just how much I wanted it. It made me feel loved and appreciated and thought of, even if she didn't buy them for me. It didn't matter.
--I'm grateful for the skill I learned my senior year of high school: I can skim read and still comprehend. This is actually a really important skill to have I've learned. I used it most recently with this book. I was over halfway through it when I realized that I needed to go back and highlight sections; there was just too much information I needed to be able to get at later on. So, with my skill, I went back to page 1 and skim-read to get my information. I'm able to read just a few words within each paragraph on the page and remember what I need to know for that whole thing. It doesn't have to be the first few words or the last few words or even words side-by-side. Just any random few words and I'm good. That saved me at least another 3 days of reading.
--I love (and hate) that I make lists all the time. Positives are that it helps me remember everything I have to do, it keeps my thoughts organized, the information is *ALWAYS* available since I'm likely to have a list someplace around me at any given point, and it's a great memory exercise. Since my family has a history of Alzheimer's Dementia, I actively try to engage my mind; exercises like this are supposed to delay the symptoms should I ever have this disease. All major pluses.
--The negatives?: It's an actual constant *NEED* to do these lists. I don't like have check marks or items marked through on my list, so I will make a new one; this often leads me to feel like I haven't accomplished anything since I can't see physical evidence of a completed task, but my OCD just won't let me have those "dirty lists." And I don't always make them efficient. I know it's better to group things in sensible ways so you can maximize efficiency but I don't do that. I just write as I remember and then I end up skipping around and making a mess of my list and I can't have that. (See IMMEDIATE PREVIOUS POINT!! LOL)
To quote my hubpages post (Which I think you guys should check out: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Happiness-Project-Wonders):
In the end I know what makes me happy:
- It's the thing that surprises me and the things I take for granted.
- It's the people I surround myself with and the people I miss.
- It's the time I spend doing what I love and the time I spend looking forward.
- It's the life I'm making and the life that's making me.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Random Researching
Today I had this really random idea: I want to do a research paper--for no real reason. I was walking around Barnes and Noble today and it just hit me. If I wanted to do a paper on Jane Austen, what books would I need? Who has written books on her and what would they say? Would I want to research Jane Austen or Greek Mythology or the Egyptians? So many options!!
The thing I loved most about college was writing the papers. I really liked getting all the information and putting it all together. I liked reading all the books and articles and online stuff on the subject. I actually got to spend 4 years developing one topic--Wheeling Without Dealing: Physical Activities Improve Persons with Physical Disabilities. When I got to Grad school, I did a case study on Multi-Sensory Rooms and their effects on persons with Alzheimer's. Both of these were incredible topics and I loved learning more about them.
After taking a look at my bookshelves, I've realized I could at least start a paper on Cleopatra and/or the Egyptians, Greeks and other mythologies, and Jane Austen. Now I just have to figure out if this is actually something worth doing or if it'll just irritate me...
The thing I loved most about college was writing the papers. I really liked getting all the information and putting it all together. I liked reading all the books and articles and online stuff on the subject. I actually got to spend 4 years developing one topic--Wheeling Without Dealing: Physical Activities Improve Persons with Physical Disabilities. When I got to Grad school, I did a case study on Multi-Sensory Rooms and their effects on persons with Alzheimer's. Both of these were incredible topics and I loved learning more about them.
After taking a look at my bookshelves, I've realized I could at least start a paper on Cleopatra and/or the Egyptians, Greeks and other mythologies, and Jane Austen. Now I just have to figure out if this is actually something worth doing or if it'll just irritate me...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Family frustrations
I love my family. Really and truly. But it seems like they are the first people to really piss me off! There are things about them I just don't get!
For instance, I have a sister who is negative about everyone. The first thing out of her mouth when you start talking about someone *WILL* be negative. She might follow it up with something nice--if she actually does like the person--but usually it's just a mean comment. Even to me. Sometimes it's veiled but it's always there in her comments.
She likes her things a certain way; I tend to be more conservative, more sedate if you will. So she'll say something about how I'd look better or "happier" if I took the time to ... (fill in whatever it is she thinks I'm missing). Sad thing is, most days I really like how I look. I'm not *GORGEOUS* by any stretch of the imagination, but I have tried very hard to become content in myself. I'm 5' 2" and "curvy" (though I do wish I were a little leaner or more muscular) I wear contacts most of the time, but sometimes they bother me and I have to wear my glasses. My hair can really only be styled 2 ways: Stick straight or a messy bun straight from the shower. Now add in my new braces (only 6 more months!!!) and you can tell why I might be a little self-conscious when someone tells me I could look better if...
Then I have my other sister. She's just soo loud all the time!! People love her though. She's not confrontational so people usually don't know when they've upset her; and, let's be honest, people don't usually want to know when they've upset you. It's because she's so loud people like her, I think. So sometimes that makes me worried; like, maybe if I were louder or more outgoing, people might like me more. But I'm just not. So I try not to dwell on the fact that I will never be the life of the party or the person others rely on for a uproariously funny joke.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I am nothing like my sisters. They are very loud people; I am not. They like attention; I think they both wanted to be actresses or something at one point in their lives because they are always the center of attention. I actually don't like having that much attention on me from a lot of people. It makes me very uncomfortable. I would much rather have a simple conversation with 1, 2, no more than 3 people. More than that and I feel like I'm not giving each person enough attention to make them feel appreciated. They are always fashionable and I'm usually worried people will realize my outfit probably came from Target. They are so sure about themselves they are confident they will get the next job they apply for. Since I left the field I actually went to school for, I am always worried people are going to look at me as a failure.
All that being said: I do love them. They are the people who have known me the longest and can most quickly point out when I am not being true to myself. Granted, they aren't always right about who the true me is, but they are always there, nonetheless.
For instance, I have a sister who is negative about everyone. The first thing out of her mouth when you start talking about someone *WILL* be negative. She might follow it up with something nice--if she actually does like the person--but usually it's just a mean comment. Even to me. Sometimes it's veiled but it's always there in her comments.
She likes her things a certain way; I tend to be more conservative, more sedate if you will. So she'll say something about how I'd look better or "happier" if I took the time to ... (fill in whatever it is she thinks I'm missing). Sad thing is, most days I really like how I look. I'm not *GORGEOUS* by any stretch of the imagination, but I have tried very hard to become content in myself. I'm 5' 2" and "curvy" (though I do wish I were a little leaner or more muscular) I wear contacts most of the time, but sometimes they bother me and I have to wear my glasses. My hair can really only be styled 2 ways: Stick straight or a messy bun straight from the shower. Now add in my new braces (only 6 more months!!!) and you can tell why I might be a little self-conscious when someone tells me I could look better if...
Then I have my other sister. She's just soo loud all the time!! People love her though. She's not confrontational so people usually don't know when they've upset her; and, let's be honest, people don't usually want to know when they've upset you. It's because she's so loud people like her, I think. So sometimes that makes me worried; like, maybe if I were louder or more outgoing, people might like me more. But I'm just not. So I try not to dwell on the fact that I will never be the life of the party or the person others rely on for a uproariously funny joke.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I am nothing like my sisters. They are very loud people; I am not. They like attention; I think they both wanted to be actresses or something at one point in their lives because they are always the center of attention. I actually don't like having that much attention on me from a lot of people. It makes me very uncomfortable. I would much rather have a simple conversation with 1, 2, no more than 3 people. More than that and I feel like I'm not giving each person enough attention to make them feel appreciated. They are always fashionable and I'm usually worried people will realize my outfit probably came from Target. They are so sure about themselves they are confident they will get the next job they apply for. Since I left the field I actually went to school for, I am always worried people are going to look at me as a failure.
All that being said: I do love them. They are the people who have known me the longest and can most quickly point out when I am not being true to myself. Granted, they aren't always right about who the true me is, but they are always there, nonetheless.
Clarity
This clarity blog isn't for me so much as it is for those of you who may not actually know me or understand what the title of my blog means. Basically I am a ridiculously *HUGE* Jane Austen fan. I love all her works. My favorite, though, is the book Persuasions. I think it's because my relationship with that book mirrors the book itself so directly.
The first time I read Persuasions I liked it...but I didn't love it. The first time I watched the BBC movie Persuasions I liked it...but again, didn't love it. After a while, however, whenever I would randomly reach for a movie to watch, I would end up reaching for that one. If I needed a book to read, I would grab that one--even though I have shelves and shelves of books to choose from. When I stopped to think about it I realized I actually love this book.
And I am just like Anne Elliot. I am not the girl deemed "Most Beautiful" in my family, but I am "Most Dependable." I always try to understand the perspective of others and justify their actions.
The reason this blog is "Persuasion of Self" is simple: I like myself, really I do. But I want to love myself. I want my relationship with myself to mirror the relationship of Wentworth and Anne in the book; and my relationship between me and the book. I want to re-examine why I do what I do. What I like and why I like it, or if I actually like it or just *want* to like it. I am persuading myself to dig deeper, go deeper than I have before.
Maybe I'll get my happy ending too!
The first time I read Persuasions I liked it...but I didn't love it. The first time I watched the BBC movie Persuasions I liked it...but again, didn't love it. After a while, however, whenever I would randomly reach for a movie to watch, I would end up reaching for that one. If I needed a book to read, I would grab that one--even though I have shelves and shelves of books to choose from. When I stopped to think about it I realized I actually love this book.
And I am just like Anne Elliot. I am not the girl deemed "Most Beautiful" in my family, but I am "Most Dependable." I always try to understand the perspective of others and justify their actions.
The reason this blog is "Persuasion of Self" is simple: I like myself, really I do. But I want to love myself. I want my relationship with myself to mirror the relationship of Wentworth and Anne in the book; and my relationship between me and the book. I want to re-examine why I do what I do. What I like and why I like it, or if I actually like it or just *want* to like it. I am persuading myself to dig deeper, go deeper than I have before.
Maybe I'll get my happy ending too!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
EPL & THP...Take a look!
There are a few things I never do. I never ride motorcycles. I never leave a mess. I never eat food that's even a little bit spoiled. And I never EVER write in my books. Not even when my Senior English teacher in high school told us to so we could remember things to refer back to later, or things that would help us on our tests. Never. I always felt a pain in my heart when I would open a book and see someone had highlighted passages or written in the sides. That and seeing the spine of a book broken. I feel like books should be respected. They are works of art. You would go writing on the Mona Lisa, now would you? No. I am okay with dog ear-ing a book though. To me, that just says the book was loved. I know a lot of people who think differently.
The first time I was even tempted to mark in my book was when I read Eat Pray Love. There were just so many points I wanted to remember. So many tidbits of advice that resonated with me and which I wanted to take with me. I abstained though. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't mark up the wonderous words Elizabeth Gilbert had put on paper. I figured the overall meanings would stay with me, even if I couldn't quote them verbatim or tell you where they were in the book. ...Not Any More!
I recently started reading The Happiness Project. And man! There's just so much information!! So much stuff I have to remember! I haven't finished it yet, but I am Sooo motivated to just jump on and get going. Get to being happier. Not that I'm depressed now, but there are things I don't appreciate like I know I should. Things I want to make time to do, but feel guilty about it. People I take for granted.
Now I am "registered" on the free site: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com. I have entered all the preliminary information. I have even set my "resolutions" --which, let's be honest--sounds so much better than "goals." I have ways to track them. And now, time to get back to reading! I have so much more marking to do!
P.S. I'll probably go back and re-read EPL because I definitely need to get in there with my highlighter! :)
The first time I was even tempted to mark in my book was when I read Eat Pray Love. There were just so many points I wanted to remember. So many tidbits of advice that resonated with me and which I wanted to take with me. I abstained though. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't mark up the wonderous words Elizabeth Gilbert had put on paper. I figured the overall meanings would stay with me, even if I couldn't quote them verbatim or tell you where they were in the book. ...Not Any More!
I recently started reading The Happiness Project. And man! There's just so much information!! So much stuff I have to remember! I haven't finished it yet, but I am Sooo motivated to just jump on and get going. Get to being happier. Not that I'm depressed now, but there are things I don't appreciate like I know I should. Things I want to make time to do, but feel guilty about it. People I take for granted.
Now I am "registered" on the free site: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com. I have entered all the preliminary information. I have even set my "resolutions" --which, let's be honest--sounds so much better than "goals." I have ways to track them. And now, time to get back to reading! I have so much more marking to do!
P.S. I'll probably go back and re-read EPL because I definitely need to get in there with my highlighter! :)
Just Me
I know, I know. I already have a blog. Well, more than one. But none are about "ME." One is about my photography and is a way to display it outside of facebook and my official website. It's like the sampler platter: I just show the pieces I feel best describe what kind of shoot I had that time. But then that became tedious since I did have so many other places to show the pictures. I am really far behind on that blog. I know I should update it with the latest shoots since there were some good pics, but for now I'm not interested in it.
Then I have the Book Blog. Again, it's kind of about me since I am the one reading the books and then writing my opinions on them. But I try not to get too personal on there. I try really hard to make sense of the books and the writing styles. It's a critique more than me. Oh, and I'm behind on that too! Sheesh, I feel lazy now writing this!
Recently I started thinking about things and wanting to write them down to share. I didn't think anyone would really care though, so I kept putting off starting a really personal blog. Since I started reading The Happiness Project, though, I've realized it doesn't really matter if others read it. If I need to get the words out, then I should get them out. The best way for me is to write them down. Otherwise I dwell on them or forget them. Sometimes you forget things you don't mean to forget or things which shouldn't be forgotten. You don't ever mean to. It just happens.
Now I am taking control of my thoughts and actions. I am going to report to no one but myself.
....This should also make me more accountable to myself. A Perk if you will. So here I go. Self Persuasions.
Then I have the Book Blog. Again, it's kind of about me since I am the one reading the books and then writing my opinions on them. But I try not to get too personal on there. I try really hard to make sense of the books and the writing styles. It's a critique more than me. Oh, and I'm behind on that too! Sheesh, I feel lazy now writing this!
Recently I started thinking about things and wanting to write them down to share. I didn't think anyone would really care though, so I kept putting off starting a really personal blog. Since I started reading The Happiness Project, though, I've realized it doesn't really matter if others read it. If I need to get the words out, then I should get them out. The best way for me is to write them down. Otherwise I dwell on them or forget them. Sometimes you forget things you don't mean to forget or things which shouldn't be forgotten. You don't ever mean to. It just happens.
Now I am taking control of my thoughts and actions. I am going to report to no one but myself.
....This should also make me more accountable to myself. A Perk if you will. So here I go. Self Persuasions.
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