Define Failure

Nowadays there's all this talk about succeeding or failing. What makes someone a success? What constitutes failure? So many people associate those words with their professional life. People say they are a success when they get promoted, a failure if they get passed over or don't get the job. And yes, I am including stay-at-home parents in this talk; being a stay at home parent is a full-time job--with no overtime pay! Parents consider themselves a success if their kids do well; failures when their kids make mistakes. Few people examine how they are a personal failure or success.

Something happened to me recently which made me feel like a complete failure. Something someone looking from the outside in wouldn't consider as a defining moment of failure/success.

My friend passed away.

Here's the story. My friend had been sick for many years. She was diagnosed with Adult On-Set Leukemia over 2 years ago. She battled everyday for 30+ months. She fought the enemy--her own body. And I knew about it almost from the beginning. But I never made it back home to see her. When I found out she went to hospice, I made the decision to go see her. I worked out my work schedule so I could take Friday off. I had to drop some things off at my aunt's house (6 hours from where I live now and 3 hours from my hometown/where my friend lives); so I left bright and early, drove to my aunt's and stayed there over night.

I woke up at 8am and happened to check Facebook. That's when I found out my friend was already gone to Heaven. I missed her by 4 hours. That's something I have to live with everyday.

I have to live with the fact that, if I would have just drove straight through and seen her Friday, I would have seen her before she was gone forever. But I didn't. I made a left turn and I can never turn around and change it.

The thing of it is, I think I *KNEW* I wasn't going to make it to her. There was this part of me, a part I was working SO HARD to stamp down, that knew I was never going to see my friend again. I remember sitting there with my aunt and cousin, the night before I was supposed to drive there, and we were talking about my uncle who had passed away 4+ years ago. The thing of it is: I missed saying goodbye to him by about 12 hours. I remember hearing my uncle didn't have much longer so I rearranged my leaving my internship a day early. I called my dad and asked him to help me, asked him to take the big things from where I was living to his house; I would take all my clothes so I could drive the 7 hours straight to see my uncle. And he did. We stopped to have lunch since I would be driving without a break. At lunch my mom called and asked to speak with my dad. That's never a good sign. That's when I found out my uncle had passed that morning. Adding in my driving time and I was 12 hours late.

That's what makes me feel like a failure. It's the trying and not making it. It's the waiting until it's too late. I pride myself on being someone I would want to be around. I honestly make an effort everyday to make the people I love feel special and know I love them. I make conscious efforts to have birthday presents arrive on their birthday . I call those I love. I even send hand-written letters just because. To know I failed someone at the crucial moment, I failed to be there for them and I failed to be there for me. I can never get that decision back. I can never undo what was done. I can never do what *WASN'T* done.

I made a left turn and I feel lost...and I'm not sure when I'll feel like I've found my way again.

Irritating

There are certain things which I find HIGHLY irritating. At the top of that list is "Pushy People."

Recently I started selling "product" from a major company. One of those "Be your own boss," "Become a consultant" things. When I came into this, I told my "Director" that I didn't want to push others into selling this. I'm not one to force others to buy or sell things. I mean, I hate it when people push their products on me so I go into my businesses with the mindset of: If they want to buy from me, I'll be available to them but I WILL NOT force people to buy.

That being said: I am incredibly frustrated with my new director!! She's the type of person who will force others to buy. She's pushy, and I am not. In order to become an official Consultant I "have" to place a $600 qualifying order. Amazingly enough, when I first signed up, she was telling me that I had to place this order within 2 weeks. I told her I didn't have that kind of money...that's one of the reasons I got into selling this stuff: To make some extra spending money. Well, she just kept pushing this. Kept saying I had to place this order. Blah blah blah.

So I figured out I could take orders an collect the $$ I needed. From the way they made it out, I needed to place a qualifying order of $600. I took that to mean, since I get a discount on the product, I would need less than the $600 they were saying. Nope. I actually need MORE than that because, not only do I have to put in $600 on my end, I have to pay taxes on the RETAIL amount!!

Well, then I had my "debut" and got some orders in. Added with the orders I had taken before then and I was doing good. I put in the Credit Card #'s into Propay and was rollin along. Finally, today I got enough orders to cover most of my expenses on this qualifying order. I go back into Propay and see that the amount available to me isn't what I put in there. Apparently Propay charges a fee!! So I lost more money. URGH.

Add insult to injury: I finish loading my orders, figuring out what I need and what I don't. I go to place my order and am hit with 3 things. The first is: Well, the first is that I have to pay taxes on the retail value of the "Bonus" I earned. That's ridiculous in my book. And before you ask, you can't "opt-out" of the bonus either. Second: I can't use two separate cards to pay for this. I can't use my checking account and my Propay account! I can only use one. Well, as aggravating as that is, it gets even better. I go to transfer all the money from Propay into my checking out...only to get assessed ANOTHER FEE!! That's like a double tax! You charged me a fee to put the $$ in there and then charge me again to USE THE MONEY?!?!?

Needless to say, tonight and this business are getting under my skin. And I don't like it one bit.