I am always thinking about love. What can I say?: I group up in the South, surrounded by Disney movies! My favorite book and movie *STILL* is Beauty and the Beast. There really wasn't any hope of me not being in love with love. :)
Now, I know I'm only 26. To some that's young; to others it's old. It's both to me too. I have so many friends who are married or engaged and most of them have babies (another thing I want most in the world). Even my sisters have mini-families that bring them so much love. My younger sister has been with her boyfriend closing in on 5 years now and they have 2 puppies and a beautiful home. They have a real relationship too with the little fights and the big fights...but also the hugs and the kisses and the small gestures that make people really happy. When I see her and her happiness, especially, I feel very old because I don't have that. That kind of love and commitment keeps people young, I think.
There are moments you realize--looking back--that changed who you are completely. I know the first of those moments. I was a Junior in high school and really liked this guy. He was almost everything on my "checklist" but then, those things he wasn't I really didn't have marked as important (he had blonde hair and I tended to lean more towards dark hair, sort of thing). He was smart and funny and kind. So kind. He played baseball which has *ALWAYS* been a weakness of mine. And he liked me. Now, it's very rare-for me-to like a guy and him like me back. I think a lot of people, if they are honest with themselves will find this to be true, unless you are one of the lucky ones who doesn't have this problem. In which case :-P to you! lol
Wanna know what I did with this amazing person, this amazing potential relationship? I ran. I was so scared that I pushed him away. I always claimed it was because there was a 3rd party who made our lives fairly difficult if he and I became closer and I just didn't want to deal with that. The fact is, I was a chicken and didn't feel like I was good enough.
Over the years I have thought about this person randomly. People will ask me about graduation or prom or whatever and I always think back to this person. I didn't go to prom with them, but ended up going with a friend...and eventually dealing with Mr. 3rd party. I did go to his graduation and took a picture with him, which I still have to this day....and he came to mine! When people ask me now what my ideal guy is, I tend to list all the amazing traits this person had. Maybe he still does, I don't know. I didn't talk to him for years. Just lost touch. It's so sad to think of all that wasted time. Time when what could have made me happier and better was right there but fear and self-doubt kept me from going for it.
Looking back on it, it seems simple. Even now people say I should just tell him how I felt and still feel. Because, honestly, it's still there for me. The fact that I have a picture that is nearly 10 years old says something in and of itself. The fact that I bring up anecdotes concerning him still says something. The fact that I won't tell him because he's in a relationship with someone else should say something too. I just hope it's not that I'm chicken---- again.
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