Time to move on

"All good things must come to an end."

That's how the saying goes and it feels very true right now. 

Lately it seems like I haven't had the time to commit to this blog that I would have liked. And I think I know why: 

I think this blog has run its course and it is time for me to wrap things up here and move on to the next chapter in my life. 

This blog allowed me to write about the me I was over a year ago. I was single and looking for love. I was trying to find out who I really am. I was putting my foot in the online-dating-scene. I was testing all sorts of waters to see what worked for me.

I'm not that person anymore. 

I am very happy in my relationship. I have found the perfect person for me. He is someone who works to make me happy. He remembers all the little things I mention. He says and does things just to make me laugh or smile. When he hurts my feelings, he realizes it and immediately apologizes; because he never intentionally tries to hurt me. 

And then there's me in the relationship. I wake up every day at 4am just so I can spend time with him before he leaves for work at 5. I rush home from work to make sure dinner is ready because I like having a home cooked meal with him. I try to remember the things he likes and doesn't like. 

And now.... Now I have another chapter in my life. I am going to be a MOM! Even now, in my 3rd month, I can't really believe it. So yes: this blog where I wrote to figure out who I am was a vital part of the me before. Now though, I am ready for the next chapter. The next stage. 

So, if you feel like continuing to follow me on my new blog: dream2bamommy.blogspot.com. It will be where I keep track of all the moments of my pregnancy I want or need to remember. It will be where, once I have the baby, I track all those memories. 

Thank you for the past year. And welcome to my amazing new beginning!

Being Right

Many of you may or may not know that I am Irish-Italian (among other things, but those are the most prevalent). I'm extremely grateful for my heritages and what their past say about who I am as a person and what I am capable of. The strength, fortitude, and yes attitude of both ethnicities dramatically shape me. Whenever I question whether something is possible, I look to my past and draw from their experiences, their determination, and their accomplishments. I am the type which never wants to let anyone down; including those not with us anymore. Maybe those especially. 

That all being said, there is something else I need to add. Being Irish-Italian, to say I'm a little proud, a little opinionated, would definitely be a major understatement!! I've always been the first to say  "I'm Irish-Italian. I'll fight with myself. I don't need a reason to fight with you!" whenever I felt like someone was being ridiculous. I am well aware of the fact that I have a semi-short fuse. All these I know about myself and-truth be told-aren't things I'm overly concerned with changing about myself just yet. 

But then there's the other thing: I have a strong need to be right. A lot. Like, almost all the time. 

The thing is, I know this, too, about myself. I actively try to corner myself and consider what I am thinking or about to say before I open my mouth. And I try not to "talk out my ass" (as my daddy would say) and speak up only when I *KNOW* I'm right. I swear, I try!

Then there are days like today. Days that show me just how far I have to go to really achieve this goal I've set for myself. Today I felt so strongly that I was right. I picked at something I felt was worthy of picking on. I continued a discussion I felt still needed addressing.
Then something clicked. I looked at my boyfriend, at how tired he was from working so hard to provide for me, to make me happy, to be there whenever I needed him for whatever reason (whether he agreed or not) and I was ashamed of myself. It took really looking into his eyes to realize I was wrong. I was picking, not because I was right, but because I wanted to BE RIGHT. I continued a discussion which really should have ended and been done the second he said he was sorry.

So I told him that. I looked him directly in the eyes and said I was sorry. That I was wrong. That being stressed about working all the time and not seeing him much during the week and trying to get everything done for everyone else didn't justify my picking. That I was completely wrong for bringing up a subject he'd already apologized on just to make my point. I was wrong and I was sorry.

And I felt better. CRAZY I know!! But honestly, the need to always be right. To always have the answers is actually incredibly draining! 

When I was little I thought I knew a lot, but I also knew there was so much more to learn. I don't know when that changed for me, but I'm back there now. My dad's been telling me a lot lately that there's a fact:

• When you are little you only know so much, so "what you don't know that you don't know" is relatively small too. As you increase your knowledge, you also increase the area of "what you don't know that you don't know."

I've always nodded my head, addressed the logical sense to this statement. But I never applied it emotionally. Never applied it to myself. Until now. Until today.

Thank you babe, for showing me this aspect about myself. For not judging me or condemning me. For letting me see it in myself and work with me to fix it. For being the person you are, because that is someone I truly admire and respect. 

The "B-Word"

It's not what you think!!

I am soooo happy right now. Words are kind of a poor substitute when I think about trying to describe how happy I am. And it's nothing grandiose or "out of this world" or anything like that. It's a very simple thing:

I found someone I really like who likes me back!

Crazy how that works, huh? lol

This guy. Well I've known him almost two years now. He's a friend of a friend. We hung out a few times over the years but never really paid too much attention to each other. Okay, that's a lie. My jaw dropped when I first met him. I thought: "GAWD he's hott!" And he was helping my mom out without complaining or being forced to. So he was a generally good guy too. Holy mackerel, no way. But then I heard he had a girlfriend so I dropped it and never really thought about it again. Not really anyways. 

Fast forward to today. He's not with her anymore and suddenly things are looking good. I hang out with him a few times as friends. Nothing terrible, nothing romantic. Just friends with friends, hanging out, having fun. Being silly. But there's like this tangible "thing;" I can feel it. I didn't want to say anything because I was terrified I was wrong and he was just a cool guy who was nice to everyone. (Trust me, I've gotten it REALLY WRONG a few times. Enough to take a couple of steps back and really think about what I'm thinking I'm seeing.)

Welp...I wasn't wrong!! We've only been "talking" for a few days now but man do I like him. I first "date" was to work out together at the gym. I figured if he liked me in basic gym clothes and no make-up...and wouldn't try to show off to the point where I felt puny, then I'd give it a go. He did so much better than I was hoping for!! Later I made us pizza from scratch. We watched movies. Ate ice cream. Walked around a lake at night. (That's all the same day! lol)

Then we went to a movie together. We didn't want to leave each other's company so we went and got some food. And then, the next day, even though we were both so tired from working a 10 hour day, we still were willing to keep ourselves up and hang out and watch TV! Luckily we both came to our senses and realized we had to go to sleep; it was way more important than 30 minutes to an hour of hanging out. 

Tonight though. Tonight was a great night. Because tonight he said the "B-Word." I had vented to him about how crappy my day was. He had vented about his day. Amazingly enough, as bad as today was and as bad as I wanted to just call everyone out and be really mean about work; I didn't want to lay it out on his shoulders. As soon as I realized I *COULD* vent to someone who would honestly listen and was okay with that; well I didn't want to drag him down with it. Just knowing I could made me feel so much better. Then!! Then he casually asked if my dad would read him the riot act when I introduce my dad to my "boyfriend." Again....absolutely NOTHING over-the-top about it. It was natural and easy.

Signing off:

A very contented lady!

I ran a 5k!!

So the title basically gives away the topic of this blog. haha

Seriously though. When I started at the gym they had me list three goals I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year. 

#1: Weigh 135lbs by December. 

#2: Leg Press 300 lbs. 

#3: Run a 5K. 

About a month after I made those goals, I accomplished #2. I actually far surpassed it: I leg pressed 360lbs! And not just once, but 20 times! Yay, go me! 

Then it was time to really start training for a 5K. I am working with a trainer at least once a week to have my rear end handed to me. Then I take what he gives me and combine it with the machines or weight routines I already know, and do those for the next week. The next Monday, we start all over again! He has me doing this thing called Tabata Training. It's where you go as hard as you can for 20 seconds, as light as you can for 10 seconds, repeat as many times as you can. This is great for lots of reasons. One is because it breaks up your cardio into manageable increments--and it seems like the time you spent flew by! 

The other is because it seriously works! haha Basically what happens is your muscles work as hard as they can for 20 seconds. Then they think they are getting a break so they rest. Then they're shocked into working super hard again. This helps build your muscles a lot faster.

I've been doing this for over 2 months now. And about a month before my 5K, I did a "practice" one on the treadmill. I was really proud that I completed it in: 45:46. Considering I had never run more than a mile before, that was awesome for me. I was also about 12lbs heavier than I am now.

So Saturday morning is the day of my race. I woke up early. Ate some oatmeal. Checked my playlist. And went. I didn't have a time I "had to finish the race by." I didn't see the point in trying to break two goals. (Goal #1 being me actually running the race.) I had an hour's worth of music on my playlist, so I guess I was hoping to finish before the playlist repeated itself. 

Well I did. I finished it in 38:10!! Talk about excited! I beat my time by 7 minutes and 36 seconds! That's incredible to me! And to think I was just ecstatic about my 45:46. haha That's when I had the brief moment of feeling a little down. I started thinking about just how out of shape I was (aka how fat I was) and how far I let myself go. It was a dark cloud.

But then I stopped myself. I wasn't going to let the past ruin my present or future. Because, if you think about it: You have to come from somewhere. You have to work for these moments of accomplishments. The saying is "Accomplish Greatness" because accomplishments can only be attained when there was a lower point from which you began. Instead of being upset at where I was, I am taking pride in where I am. I am also striving to better myself even more.

Which is why I'm wrapping this up now and heading to the gym. :)

Just Because

Remember when you were a kid and would ask your parents a question: Why can't I have another ice cream? Why do I have to go to bed NOW? Why is the sky blue?... And every time you got the same response: "Because." Ugh that was the worst. I hated that response. I was the kid who had to have all the answers all the time. (Looking back, I can see that it was probably pretty annoying. lol)

But now, I'm grown up (well, growing up at least) and I am beginning to see the reasoning behind it. 

Is "Because" ever enough of a reason to do something? Yes. Yes it is. I have a very personal case in point. I recently decided to pursue a career with the US Air Force. I have a lot of reasons why it is a good idea--which I'll explain in a bit--but it basically boils down to: Because.

Tonight I broke the news to my mom. And she cried, of course. But she also asked me what my reasons were for considering this. I had a whole list of them. They were:

1. Travel: I am finding out more and more that being stationary with no hope of ever moving forward or around is not something I am very good at. I have to know I will be visiting different areas, seeing different sights, learning different things. I have to know where I am now is not where I will be in 5, 10, 15 years down the road. I grew up complaining about how many times I moved around...but the truth is that's the life I know. That's the life I'm comfortable with. That's the life that makes sense to me. The life that makes me feel EVERYTHING! I need that future to be full of sights and sounds, tastes and textures I haven't already experienced.
2. Financials: There are a few things I have learned in all the research I have done relating to the financial aspect. The Air Force will help me with my student loans. They will offer me a place to live where-ever I'm stationed. There's not a need for a huge wardrobe. The pay is more than I am making now...and more than I can hope to make at the office I'm in now. Financially speaking this would be great opportunity for me.
3. Career path: Where I work now... I just can't see myself still there in 5 years. Not because it's a bad place or anything like that. It's more like there's no where else for me to go with the company. It's a dental office and I have no dreams of becoming a dentist or a dental hygienist or even a more expansive assistant. I do ortho assisting 1 and 1/2 days a week. The other days I am calling insurance companies, sending claims, closing insurance payments, scheduling... When I think about it, I know how lucky I am to be able to do so much. But this is all there is for me there. With the Air Force I can be proud of the work that I will be doing. It will be for a cause greater than the almighty dollar. There are opportunities to use my degree(s) again which will be nice.
4. Speaking of pride...I need something about myself to be proud of. I know the person I am now is not all I can be. I know there's something more, bigger, greater which I am supposed to look for, to do. 
5. And finally--Family Tradition. My family is very military proud. My Uncle Bill was in the ARMY. My Uncle Tom was a Marine. I just found out my Uncle Punkin was Air Force (I thought he was ARMY). My Uncle Timmy was injured during basic and so he never fulfilled his dream but he tried. My mom, my dad, and my Uncle Sam were all ARMY too. When I was in college I took Military Leadership courses, studied MWR... I knew I wanted to be involved with the military, but I assumed it would be more in the civilian aspects. Now though, I know that wouldn't be enough for me. I NEED to serve my country. I NEED to continue the family tradition of being in the military and do it in my own way. 

My baby sister made an excellent  point tonight: I was groomed to be in the military. Every choice I've made has led me to this point. Being in the military will be a lot like being a referee. The uniform. The camaraderie. The singular focus of accomplishing one goal. The brotherhood which forms when you go through those experiences together...things no one will ever understand because they weren't there. My relationships with the guys I reffed football with are some of my strongest bonds. I know being Air Force will allow me to create more bonds just as strong. I'm looking forward to it.

When anyone in the future asks me why I think it's a good idea to join, I'll have the above list to make my case. But in the end it boils down to one reason, one word: BECAUSE.

The faith I have in the military, in my potential role in it, is something that can't be explained or justified. It's like believing in God. There are definitely sound reasons to believe, there's even proof should you need it. But ultimately, there's only one word that will encompass everything you're feeling and thinking and wanting and doing. One word will let everyone know this is your choice and no one else's. One word will define all the moments in your life leading up to this better than a Faulkner novel.

BECAUSE!

Positive affirmations to myself

People are always saying you should be happy in your own skin. You should be okay with the way you are because God made you that way. You should...you should...you should. Well BOLLOCKS to that!! I'm here to say "never except what you are given is all you have."

Okay, before I get a ton of people (all three of you who read this) sending me mean emails..just think about it: What you are given should be the starting point, the jumping off point to where you go. Now, I'm not trying to be weird or condone crazy antics (ahem: Heidi whats-her-face). I'm saying that just because you find yourself in a certain look, doesn't mean you have to feel stuck to it. 

So everyone feels better, I'll lay out some of my "issues." First, I am only 5 feet 2 inches tall, so if I put on even 5 pounds, you can tell. Given that on March 1st I was weighing in close to 170 (yes you read that right) pounds, eh...that's not so great. And no, I didn't "Love myself" then. I was ashamed I had let myself get to that point. It'd be one thing if I was always bigger, or if I could attribute that to muscle..or being pregnant. But no. I was just using my braces as a way to eat crap food. And it showed. Granted, I couldn't eat a lot of healthy things like carrots or even those protein bars when I had braces, so that didn't help. But still I made some poor choices in my diet and then followed it up with no exercise. All my fault. So now I'm fixing it. I've gotten to where I work out almost 5 times a week for at least half an hour (usually closer to an hour!!). And the difference is really starting to show. In my face--literally and figuratively. My face is usually the first place to slim down anyways, but now that I'm having more salads and water it's breaking out less and feels smoother. I haven't really changed my make-up routine so it's gotta be the diet/exercise. 

For those people who say it's easy to lose weight--let me tell you how WRONG they are! I have worked my rear end off for almost 2 months and I think I may have lost 4 pounds. But I'm totally okay because I know I am doing this in a healthy way. I'm not pounding pills. I'm not sustaining on liquid meals. I'm definitely not starving myself or purging. Do I cheat? Yep. I try not to have sodas because even I know how terrible they are for you. So I can get through an entire work week and be ok, But come Friday afternoon, suddenly I'm CRAVING a coca-cola! Who knows why. But guess what I found: You can go to Target or Wal-Mart and get sparkling water for like 74cents and it can taste soooo good. I'm lovin Pomegranate/Cherry from Target right now. I didn't even have a soda this weekend at all! I did have a small bit of ice cream so I can't say it was a perfect weekend, but that's so not necessary. Every day...every meal can be a victory. Work on replacing one "bad thing" on your plate for something better. When I first started, I would still eat at the Popeye's next to my work, but I choose mashed potatoes instead of fries. Now I bring my lunch most days and I can't even stand the smell of the fried food. It took me almost a month of weaning though to get there. Give it time!!


Second: I am the ULTIMATE GEEK!! At least it feels like it sometimes. I mean: I have bad eyesight, I break out sometimes, I wore braces, I'm short, I guess I'd say I'm "smart," and I really don't have that hourglass figure like I'd want. (I'm still trying to shape it! lol) But I am learning to address these things and work with (or around) them. 

• I usually wear contacts, but I have found some cute glasses I like to wear. They are more funky than the ones I grew up wearing, so I feel fun and hip and cool and QUIRKY (not dorky) when I wear them. 
• Break outs just generally suck. Eh I can't fix that. But I stopped trying to cake on the make-up because it only made them worse. Now I buy GOOD face cleansers (you get what you pay for, right?) and make-up that draws attention where I want it. I've learned how to apply make-up so I don't feel under- or over-done. 
• I just got my braces off today so that one thing right there made me feel 100 times cuter! (Hey I'll admit it: I'm a little vain/proud!) I can tell I walk straighter and smile more and they've only been off for about 12 hours! lol 
• Can't fix my height so I embrace it. I actually don't wear heels that often. 1) Because they are the devil! Totally uncomfortable. and 2) Because wearing heels to me is kind of like wearing 2 padded bras: People know what's going on and you just end up looking stupid! Flats can be cute and comfy and complete the outfit just as well.
• I like that I'm generally smart. I know the areas that I have more knowledge in and am able to see where I can learn from others. Plus, I just generally like to learn things. This is something about myself that I have always known and learned early on that someone somewhere will appreciate it. Until then...
• I mentioned my weight before, so I'm not going to harp on that. I just know that the goal isn't to be "small," it's to be STRONG.

Third--and final for tonight--I always compare myself to those around and sometimes find I'm not where I think I should be. I mean, I have a lot of friends with kids and that's something I've always wanted. Even my younger sisters are closer to the marriage and baby thing than I seem to be right now...So I could feel like a failure because I don't have that yet. But I try really hard not to. I have to remind myself that I made a choice to continue my education and move around a lot. Those things made it difficult to "settle." It's actually oxymoronic if you think about it: you can't settle if you're constantly moving, right? So there you go. You can't regret the things you did because of the things you wish you had now. You have to be okay with what's in front of you and work on achieving those next steps.

Ultimately, yes, you have to be okay with the core you. I have to be okay with the fact I am full of random and mostly useless knowledge. I have to be okay with the fact I have bad eyes. I have to be okay with the fact I will always be shorter than almost every person I meet. I CANNOT change these things. But the things I don't like and can change: Well now I am actively working on changing every single one of them. No surgeries. No implants or suctions or drains...nothing weird or crazy. Just healthy living and healthy choices.

Final food for thought:

God gave us sand and water, but it takes some work to make a beautiful sand castle, right?

Guilty Pleasures

Do you ever feel guilty about being really happy or excited about something? That's kind of what I'm going through right now.

Recently I made a decision that is going to DRASTICALLY change my life. The thing of it is: I'm not 100% ready to share all the details yet. So I'm working towards this goal that only a handful of people know about (try 3 people!). The issue really is: Those who are close to me and don't know my goal, well they keep trying to make plans for my future.

Plans I just won't be able to see through if I'm able to do this one thing I want to do.

I feel so guilty about this! I mean, my mom was recently talking about eventually, when I buy a house... Well the problem with that is, my goal really won't allow this. But I can't tell her that. Because then I have to go and explain everything.

And I'm not ready for that.

And she's also really excited about helping me plan that day and I don't want to take that away from her yet.

I've made some mistakes in my life. Choices which will make achieving my goal *that much more* difficult. But there's hope. The people who do know about what I'm trying to do and what I'm working towards, well they are really encouraging. In order to pursue this dream, I have to be healthier. I have to be in better shape. Have to.

So I'm working out more now. I'm setting all these little goals for myself. And I'm actually achieving them! Like: I wanted to run a 5K in less than 48 minutes (that would be a little less than a 16minute mile). Well I think I did it in like 46:46. Goal met.

Then there was the goal of running a 15 minute mile. Well that too has been accomplished. 

And then today I did something I honestly didn't think I would get to for another 3 weeks or so. I wanted to be able to run 1.5 miles in 16 minutes flat. Today I ran it in 15:45. I actually beat my previous best time by an incredible 30 whole seconds! It made my day! I also managed to wake up at 6am and be at the gym by 6:30 which I haven't been able to force myself to do yet. Two milestones in a single day! WOW!

Now comes the part I'm really dreading. I have to lose some SERIOUS WEIGHT. I think it's in the ball park of 15-20 pounds. I don't know how long I have to lose it, but we'll say 4 weeks. 6 maybe? Working out is getting me in shape and I feel amazing, but the weight's not dropping like I really need it to. So I'm going to breakdown and implement the "diet" portion of the recommended "diet and exercise" shpiel. Ugh.

Food is such a weakness of mine. I get these serious cravings for something and it's usually just because that "something" isn't in the house. How do you re-train your brain to recognize that you really aren't hungry; you're just bored. Or: you don't really want that Grilled Cheese from Steak N Shake; you just want something that isn't here. 

So those are my issues right now:

1) How do you prepare yourself mentally for a major life shift when you can't share your concerns with those around you?

2) What should be my next FEASIBLE and MEASUREABLE goal physically?

3) How do you lose weight in a healthy way without feeling depressed because you're eating boiled chicken and rice again?!?!? Ugh. 

Don't get "fat." Stay active. It's so much easier to stay active than to get active. So much easier to maintain your weight than to lose it. :-/

G'night guys!